What is a good samaritan supposed to do?

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security .

It is now 4 PM . and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Breaking news!!

Barney Frank resigns from Congress to pursue dream job with TSA

Don't ask, don't tell uniform

Barney Frank introduces the new "don't ask, don't tell" uniform.

Hottest Toy of 2010

Be the first one on your block...

BRIEF, BASIC EXPLANATION OF GOVERNMENT

There are four ways in which you can spend money. You can spend your own money on yourself. When you do that, then you really watch out what you’re doing, and you try to get the most for your money. Then you can spend your own money on somebody else. For example, you buy a birthday present for someone. Then you’re not so careful about the content of the present, but you’re very careful about the cost. Then, you can spend somebody else’s money on yourself. And if you spend somebody else’s money on yourself, you’re sure going to have a good lunch! Finally, you can spend somebody else’s money on somebody else. And if you spend somebody else’s money on somebody else, you’re not concerned about how much it is, and you’re not concerned about what you get. “”And THAT is GOVERNMENT””

Patriot Parade

Kay and her Mum.

QUICK HISTORICAL FACT

Interesting piece of history relating to the condom:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Let's Be More Tolerant

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

A man in Arizona looking to join the Maricopa County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least -- If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

It isn't Funny Anymore.

The Real Father

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks.

“It's worth a try.” he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you're not going to believe this.”

“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”

“You gave birth to a child!”

“But that's impossible!” says the priest.

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it's a miracle! Here's your baby.”

About fifteen years go by and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you're not my father?”

The priest replies, “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father!!!”

LITTLE FIRE-FIGHTER

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Be Careful What You Ask For

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

The Horth Withperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a Friend over to look at a horse.

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase That; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

How to Spot a Gay Terrorist

Be on the lookout for......... OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN

Why You Should Never Question a Drunk!

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

You Never Hear This in The Press

About the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years prior:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage "

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by: Gore: 127 million; Bush: 143 million;

Square miles of land won by: Gore: 580,000; Bush: 2,427,000

States won by: Gore: 19; Bush: 29

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore: 13.2; Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

The Magic School Bus Lady shops at Walmart