You in the SNOW CAR
Date: 2009-10-29, 9:41AM MDT
Yeah, YOU.
Lazy, ignorant, non-snow-removing phucktard speeding through rush hour traffic on glare ice with 10% visibility.
What is your major malfunction, dipshit?
I see that you are driving a $40,000 luxury SUV, but you cannot afford a $5 snow brush?
It makes me HOMICIDALLY ENRAGED when I see a fucking SNOWBANK with a small patch of hazed over windscreen clear, weaving in and out of heavy traffic, leaving a blizzard of powder in its wake. Sometimes, if they tromp on the gas, half the snow on the roof falls onto the car behind them. Ice encrusted wipers pump furiously to clear away the snow blowing back from their uncleared hood, and if they step on the brakes an avalanche will block their vision entirely.
Fuck you, snow car . . . I want to kill you.
I saw dozens of snow forts zooming around Downtown this morning. Because it is too much work to warm up your car for a few minutes while clearing the snow with a brush. And they are going to be late to punch in . . . again.
Okay, phucktard, here is what you do. Stop popping those Prozacs, turn off your cellphone, and have a cuppa coffee. Then, go outside, clear the driver side door, open it, start your vehicle, turn the defrost on, relock your vehicle (with the spare key none of you yuppie fucks seem to have) and go back inside. Relax for a few minutes while the car warms up. Then, grab your broom and go out there and push the fucking 8" of snow off the roof of your car! After that, you can clear the rest, using a snowbrush and scraper to get the areas the broom can't do. There you go, nice squared away, warm vehicle with full visibility that will not be such a menace to every other motorist.
Sometimes I try to visualize what you are doing inside the snow car. I see you listening to shitty music at full volume while balancing a bowl of breakfast cereal on your lap and texting a friend about where you'd like to get drunk after work. I despise you, snow car. And you should be thankful that anti-tank rockets are so hard to come by.
- Location: rebuilding my flamethrower
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
To the girl I had drunk sex with last night - m4w
Date: 2009-10-24, 9:14PM PDT
Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn't it! You can end up doing the craziest things!
Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.
Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don't remember meeting you. I don't remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don't know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.
We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That's great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don't remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.
Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don't regret it, though. I just have two questions.
What's your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?
You puked on my leg - m4w (196 bus to York)
Date: 2009-10-23, 8:11AM EDT
Me: Young, professional-looking law student heading to school a bit early on the 196 bus to York. Black coat, dark pants, nice shoes, brief case, coffee mug. It's job interview call-day for the law firms and I wanted to get to school early so I could sit down in a quiet place, relax, and answer the phone for half an hour.
You: Another passenger on the bus, possibly with swine flu or a nasty hangover. I never got to see your face but you obviously couldn't contain yourself when you saw me, as you vomited all over my leg as we got off the bus. Nothing like wiping other people's puke off your jeans with Subway napkins at 8 in the morning. Thanks.
- Location: 196 bus to York
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Children's guillotine
Date: 2009-10-13, 6:55PM CDT
Looking to get rid of this childen's size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy! Christmas is coming up soon so don't miss this one!!
- Location: Lawrence KS
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
FREE TO A GOOD HOME
Date: 2009-09-20, 5:36PM AKDT
FREE TO A GOOD HOMEHave we got a great deal for you!
Have you ever wondered how your life would be with a hateful, cantankerous, rude, hypocrytical, opinionated, obnoxious, obese, angry, hairy, verbally abusive, and co-dependant Grandfather that your not related to?
His name is Leland, hes in his 70's, hopefully in poor health. Leland enjoys judging others and enabling one of his many criminal children to plunder various objects from his wives family.
If you enjoy suspenders, creepy non-audible chuckling, being referred to as "dickhead", generic old man comb-overs, random accusations of drug abuse, that old people stench that sticks in the back of your throat, rude judgemtal comments about your loved ones, watching your grandmother be maliciously manipulated into hating her own children/grandchildren/anyone, your house being cluttered with useless shit that he pretends he invented, and interacting with someone who is completely devoid of a soul, then we have the Leland for you!
Care Instructions:
1)Leland needs plenty of happiness to suck out of the area around him, so make sure that you provide him enough sacrifices. (I.E. children, cats, adult humans....really anyone extra you have laying around).
2) Make sure you have a healthy supply of ridiculous red suspenders readily available.
3)An elderly woman to follow around and order about.
4)Enough tools to invent really crappy things that for some wierd reason really have been invented before.
5)Thousands of dollars in cash or anything tradeable/sellable/pawnable so that his worthless, space wasting peices of shit sons can come and steal it for drugs.
6)Anyone that ever needs a favor excluding anyone in his family, so that he can have the immense joy and satisfaction of telling them no.
7)Cats to kick.
8) Children to kick.
9)Disabled people to kick.
10)Erection pills, he cant get it up alone, but he needs to jerk off to his diabolical genius. Possibly his inability to achieve an erection has caused some of his more "Fun" personality quirks.
As hard as it is to let such a wonderful person and human being leave our lives... We all feel the need to share this beautiful creation of god with the rest of the community, if not the world.
If you feel up to the task... PLEASE don't dilly dally around.. I imagine everyone will rush to respond to such an earth shattering offer... he may be gone before you can get to him.
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY
- Location: Peter Creek
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
No comments:
Post a Comment