LARRY THE CABLE GUY QUOTES

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset because he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, man, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them.

My mom went to a doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.

I dated this retarded woman once but we broke up. We couldn't agree on anything. I'd say ‘Tomato’ and she'd say "Bowling Shoes!"

[about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down and look in the back, and you say, “Ohhh..... I should have eaten more fruit.”