While Supplies Last

Chief Walking Eagle

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of CRAP it can no longer fly.

They've gone to Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Let Me Tell You About My Weekend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over... 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account’.

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

REDNECK CHRISTMAS JOKE

Billy Bob, Bubba and Virgil died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

Billy Bob fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

Bubba reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Virgil started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Virgil replied, 'These are Carol’s.

Another Bread Roll Please

A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while but the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."

Gramps Knows Best

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape.

"That was beautiful," said the dad. The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive." Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old whisky, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.

"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Robot Caddies

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!" The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in their right mind could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"

Saying the Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A. M. drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Racist Jokes about Obama

1. If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
2. If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
3. If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
4. If you ever suggested that the "Vero Possemus" campaign signs had something to do with possums, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
5. If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
6. If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
7. If you ever cracked wise about his cocaine use, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Dubya's alleged cocaine use is politically correct.)
8. If you ever made fun of his big ears, you may be guilty of Obama jokes. (Joking about Perot's big ears is politically correct.)
9. If you ever said that the look on his wife's face could curdle fresh milk, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes. (Joking about Cindy McCain's face is politically correct.)
10. If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.

I Want a Watch

Divorce and Coke

A couple get a divorce and are in negotiations for the custody of their children. The Judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their rights to sole custody.

The wife replies, "The children are really mine, I carried them for nine months and spent hours in labor birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning and asks for the husbands defense.

The husband thinks for a minute and replies, "Your honor... if you put a dollar into a coke machine and a soda pops out, does that soda belong to you or the machine?"

Why men should never give advice.

Why is it ...

A story behind a gun

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"

"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".

"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"

"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".

"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?

"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"

Confused

Weather Service

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Remember this story whenever you get advice from a government official!

Circle Flies

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin? some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horses ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though, ain't it."

Ventriloquist

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Ozzie

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Ozzie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yaeh, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Ozzie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Ozzie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Ozzie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Ozzie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Ozzie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar.....'

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.

I Couldn't believe it...the first time ever!

I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me

And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present.

He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him.

I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat.

I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT PALIN

But I’m confident she doesn’t think like this:

The Test

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed out little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Man, I'm so pissed!

The Physical Exam

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Which One Are You?

Definitions - Basic Principles

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward the link so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will flag it because he's "offended".

Disgusting!

Look. No Teeth

As a young lad, Bob was caught reading a girlie magazine by his mother. He explains that he is interested in girls and wanted to know more about their private parts. His mother, quite shocked by this, warns him to stay away from girls private parts, as they have nasty sharp teeth in them. This seems to do the trick throughout his youth, but unfortunately he still believes this even into his adulthood.

Anyway, one day (somehow) he gets married and even on his wedding night, he won't go near his wife. She asks him why....

"Because I know about the teeth you have down there", he replies.

"Heh!", says his wife, "I don't have any teeth down there, where did you get that idea from?"

"You can't kid me", says Bob, "My mum told me about them."

So, in desperation, his wife takes her clothes off and lies on the bed with her legs wide open for him to have a good look.

"LOOK!", she says, "NO TEETH!"

"I'm not surprised", replies Bob, "not with gums like that!".

Honk if you love Jesus

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.

And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Lazy Frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

The Devil went down to Jamaica

Not Racist

Bush and Palin

Obama Administration Explains

Need to recruit the Klan

More Obama Jokes

Obama goes into a bar and starts pounding some brewskis. Gets up to leave and the bartender says “Hey, how about taking care of this tab?” Obama says, “How much is it?” Bartender says, “Rounding down, about eleven trillion dollars.” Obama says, “My grandchildren’ll drop by in about 40 years to take care of it.”


Q: Why did Obama cross the road?
A: To apologize for his side of the road.


The secret service code for the arrival of Air Force One: The ego has landed!


Q: What is the best thing about cash for clunkers?
A: It took most of the Obama stickers off the road.


Obama is giving a speech to schoolchildren and he hears someone shout "You Lie" Obama continues and again he hears "you lie" Suddenly Nancy Pelosi Jumps up and says who said that. Next time I hear "You Lie", I am going to kick that student out and you won’t be able to hear the president’s speech. Obama continues and suddenly every student in the school is heard to shout, "You Lie"


Obama running health care is like Michael Vick running the dog pound.


President Obama is the only leader taking comprehensive action to stop greenhouse gas emissions: He's steadily putting everyone out of work.


Q: Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return?
A: President Obama.


President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes.


Q: Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
A: It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.

Fox News

The War on Fox...

...continues

Do you...

Important Homeowner Information

Obama's Teachable Moments

What Grown Men Do With Their Old GI Joe Action Figures

UNLIKELY TO FIND A SORRIER ROGUES GALLERY THAN THIS GUEST LIST

Did you ever wonder who were the folks who got all those special invites to the White House since the Obama’s turned it into party central?

The White House released the list. Here are some highlights…

• 2 visits by William Ayers, the Weatherman terrorist whose group bombed the Pentagon and who said he wished he had done more. Remember Obama told us all that Ayers was “just some guy in the neighborhood” back in Chicago. What a liar!
• 2 visits by Angela Davis, former Communist Party candidate for Vice President and found innocent of kidnapping and murder of a judge.
• 4 visits by failed Presidential hopeful John Edwards. No word on whether he shared grooming tips with Obama.
• 5 visits by Steve Elmendorf, head of the Congressional Budget Office. Wonder if Obama was doing some arm twisting to get CBO to whitewash the Dem’s health care plans?
• 15 visits by Kim Gandy, head of the National Organization for Women. But no time on the schedule for General McChrystal, our commander in Afghanistan!
• 5 visits by Jeff Immelt, CEO of General Electric. No doubt Jeff had to pick up those billions in stimulus funds himself.
• 5 visits by Michael Jordan. Basketball is so much more important than governing a country.
• 8 visits by Nancy Keenan, head of the National Abortion Rights Action League. You suppose it’s just a coincidence that abortion funding keeps popping up in the health care bill?
• 7 visits by Philip Lamarche of 666 West End Avenue in NYC and bigtime Obama donor.
• 8 visits by Michael Moore. A socialist propaganda film maker is obviously more important than meeting with General McChrystal.
• 4 visits by George Soros, the Hungarian born billionaire who funds the Democrat Party.
• TWENTY (20) visits by Andrew Stern, head of the far left union SEIU whose thugs beat up Town Hall protesters this summer.

Even Good ole Rev. Jeremiah “God DAMN America” Wright got a visit. Even after disrespecting Obama during last year’s campaign.

If you ever wondered why Obama appointed so many raving radicals to important positions in the White House, this list makes it clear: That’s the only kind of people this man knows and cares to associate with.

Why Secret?

Cowboy walks into the bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar.

What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.'

The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?'

The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

Immigrant Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare...

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, American guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

American's crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the American race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan

The Wizard of OZ

Only one thing can give, at once, courage, brains and heart to the man.

LIKE A FIDDLE

A Hard Day

Click to expand

World Views

The 12 Inch Pianist

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?" The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?" and the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks." The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks." And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

Terrorist Threat

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, in retaliation for the ongoing hostilities in Iraq, warned that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off supplies of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps.

In another news release from Omar: Rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house later today.

Academic Special Olympics

The difference between Joe and Jose

You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California

Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has “NO” Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 per hour cash "under the table".

Ready? Now pay attention...

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $000 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.

Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.

Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to buy lottery tickets and drink tequila with his family.

Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school.

Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have a free taxpayer sponsored after school ESL program.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.

DO YOU GET IT, NOW?

If you vote for or support “any” politician that supports illegal aliens... You are part of the problem!

Poo

Obama Sucks

Find the 7th Person

Lesson In Political Science

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

THE LUCRATIVE BUSINESS OF RACISM

This latest imbroglio about Rush Limbaugh being ineligible to buy an NFL franchise, because of a couple of alleged racial comments he made over the span of his many decades on the radio, stands out as one of the phoniest canards ever foisted upon the American public.

The irony behind the spurious charge is that they come from two of the most incendiary provocateurs in the race-baiting business. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who give themselves the ludicrous title of Reverend, have the unmitigated gall to proclaim that Limbaugh is a polarizing figure in the country.

You have to understand that if these guys didn't have the skin-pigmentation crutch to lean on, they'd undoubtedly be unemployed. As long as they can keep racism alive, these flimflam artists will not only continue to stuff cash into their larcenous coffers, but they'll be virtually impervious to allegations of corruption, since every genuine charge will be met by an apocryphal countercharge of racism.

If either Sharpton or Jackson had enough money to buy a sports franchise, does anyone believe they would be denied the purchase because of the multitude of racist statements and actions they've engaged in during their entire adult life? I can just imagine the crybabies screeching over the airwaves about the attempt by whites to keep blacks down.

NEW ANTISEPTIC

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER CHURCH BULLETINS, Summer 2009

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

My Balls are OK

How to be a Good Republican

I found this on a left-wing blog. I took their test and answered "yes" to two of their questions. I guess I'm not really a good Republican.




HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN

1. You have to believe that the nation's current fiscal disaster is due eight months of Obama and not eight years of Bush.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to believe that assault weapons and handguns are intended for purposes other than killing people.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor (or that your own household can, for that matter)

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to be that black people who do not succeed "just don't work hard enough," but that white people who don't succeed are discriminated against

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe that philanderers and adulterers make the best representatives of your party to pontificate on moral matters.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bailout.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

19. You have to reject the notion of government-run healthcare of any kind, but expect folks to pry Medicare from you cold, dead fingers.

20. You have to be willing to associate with every tin-foil hat-wearing, anti-abolitionist, pro-militia, Third Reich nut job in the country just to reach a quorum at your own meetings.

21. You have to be more outraged by Bill Clinton staining Monica's dress that you are by George Bush staining this country's world reputation.

22. You have to be willing to realize that all those Constitutional rights that you blithely discarded during the last administration might well have protected you when the current administration comes after you for your crimes.

23. You have to believe that Halliburton and its ilk perform a vital service to this country.

24. You have to believe that artificial limbs and massive lifetime healthcare for our deserving veterans is going to magically pay for itself.

25. You have to believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, despite eight years of documentation to the contrary.

It should be noted that a good Republican may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before surfing to another page.

A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this list that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more conservatives just to tick them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

Retired

Futility

OUR PRESIDENT IS ON TRAINING WHEELS

Where Did They Put the Rest of Him?

Obama Flow Chart

The Fire

In South Los Angeles , a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.



A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, Hussein Obama and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief on camera.

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims, and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple, who lived on the top floor, lived.



The fire chief said, "They were both at work."

How do 'YOU' pronounce Oklahoma ?

How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ?



Do you think it's correct?



There is a right way...


...and a wrong way to pronounce


Oklahoma



The proper way is:


OKLA...HOMA

(There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h')

And I can prove it.................

There, you learned something today!
I do love these educational blog posts....

Don't you?

Batman Gets Held Up By U.S. Immigration

Hilarious, short conversation held between a U.S. Immigration Officer at Miami International Airport and an incoming passenger, Batman.

Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger : Batman.

Immigration Officer: What’s your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.

Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What’s your surname?
Passenger: Superman.

Immigration Officer: So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?
Passenger: Yes.

Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey, arrest this guy…


…SEE PICTURE BELOW.

Michelle Obama on Sesame Street

Update: The Obama's have had this video banned from the internet.

How "NOT" to Plant a Roadside Bomb

Dammit Aachhmed!! I told you not to wiggle it too much!!

The attached video of thermal footage was recorded from an AC-130 gunship from a mile or more away. No rounds were fired by the aircraft. The problem solved itself with no American intervention.

Some jihadists were trying to bury an IED made from a 155 mm artillery shell. Evidently they lost the instruction manual!!!

Disturbing Wildlife Trend

Formerly self-sufficient animals are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care ...

News Funnies

Three Monkeys