How not to kill a Gerbil

This story copied verbatim from BACON BABBLE

Looking back, lighting the lighter was probably not a good idea. But we were only trying to get the little Gerbil out of my hole. I was rushed to the hospital by paramedics who were called by a friend of mine who was there with me. (It brings to mind the phrase “A friend is one who warns you from danger, a true friend is right there beside you through it all, yelling, FUCK YEA, THIS IS AWESOME!!”) That was my buddy. (Yes drinking was involved. However I am just rambling now. I need to stay on subject.)

So I was admitted to the hospital for 3 degree burns to my rectum and its inner walls. I know you might be wondering “how the hell?” Let me start with this. So my dad dropped me a lot as a child. I am not using that as an excuse, just an option for blame for my actions. My buddy came over, we had a few drinks, (I forgot exactly how many after the jello shots) Anyway, somehow we joked about the little Gerbil my roommate has. He had been out of food for about two days. We gave him some jello shots, (again seemed like a good idea at the time) it didn’t like it.. Then we joked about what do Gerbils like? Somehow the word “shit” came up. Next thing I know we are looking for some sort of tube and playing paper, rock, scissors to see who was the guy who got to feed the little fella.

After searching the house, the only thing we could find to use as a tube that was large enough for the little guy to travel down and still fit up my ass (yea, I lost at paper, rock, scissors. I think that game is rigged. Damn scissors never beat anything!) Anyway, focus! O.k. so where was I? Oh yea, the only thing we could find to use was a old wooden splintery 1.5 inch in diameter 10 inch tube that my roommate used for the little guy to hide in, while in his cage. Now it had splinters and stunk like Gerbil piss. So we sanded it, and soaked it in alchohal to kill any germs it might have. (You can’t be to careful when it comes to fucking your own ass with a long wooden tube)

We then looked for some sort of liquid, or lube to grease the tube. I want it to slide in with ease. Again I am sure alcohol played a part in our decision. We thought at the time that the 10W 30 weight motor oil, that was sitting by the front door, so my roommate would remember to put it in her car, was a good idea. It worked really well at first. I am bent over, trying not to laugh, (when I laugh it makes my stomach muscles tighten and thus pushing all the “Gerbil food” out of my ass. My buddy kept pushing and pushing. So I yelled “HEY FUCKER! Save some so you have something to grab when you pull it out!” He was laughing so hard and falling all over that he couldn’t catch the Gerbil. After a few moments he got the little guy. He looked at him, and said “its dinner time buddy, and daddy’s got all you can eat!” He set the Gerbil on the edge of the tube and it took off! I didn’t feel anything for a few moments. (Other than my buddy slapping my ass, yelling “who’s the bitch now!!”) While laughing so hard he was crying.

Just then my roommate came home. She looked at us and just rolled her eyes and walked upstairs saying, “I don’t even want to know!” Haha, she made it about halfway up the stairs when we heard her stop, and start running back down stairs. (I think she didn’t fully take in what she saw until that point. Something like that has to be absorbed, not just glanced at.) She came running over to her Gerbil cage, she screamed “WHERE THE FUCK IS FIGHTO’!! (yea the gerbil’s name was fighto’) then she saw about four inches of the tube sticking out of my ass and she started slapping my ass too. Screaming, “GET HIM OUT!! YOU’LL KILL HIM!” That’s when my buddy came to my defense and said, “no people do this all the time, the Gerbils love it.” She turned her slapping focus from my ass, to his face.

We agreed that it was probably a good idea to get him out now. My buddy tried to put his fingers up the tube to get him, but nothing. My roommate went to get a flashlight, but she couldn’t find one. Just then I felt a weird tingling sensation. I got kinda scared, not because it hurt, or because I thought anything bad was going to happen, but because I had never felt that before, and I was nervous about if it would eventually hurt. I started to panic a bit and yelled for them to hurry up. My buddy panicked when he saw me panic. He grabbed the lighter on the coffee table and yelled “I’ve got an idea!” To be honest that is the last thing I remember for a bit.

However the story was told to me like this…

When he lit it, he couldn’t see anything. So he held it closer to the tube. He says it was only when my roommate screamed “NOOOO!!!” that he jumped and a flash of fire went off, and lit the tube soaked in alcohol and motor oil. Like any good friend, he forgets that the Gerbil is still inside me, and he tries to pull the firestick out of ass, but when he went to go grab it, a flaming fireball shoots out of the tube and runs about 10 feet hits the wall and flips around for a second before his fire death would set in. He then turned to me, and I guess I was holding my ass jumping up and down, (he says I pulled the tube out of my own ass) just then he grabbed a cup of water that was sitting on the counter and he threw it on me. Unfortnatly the slippery floor, with the fact I was drunker than college kid on Friday night and the fact that my pants were still around my ankles. I slipped and fell. Hitting my head on a dining room chair knocking me out cold. He said he continuted to poor water on my ass until paramedics arrived while fighting off my roommate who was hitting us both with a broom handle. Screaming “YOU KILLED HIM, YOU KILLED HIM, YOU STUPID FUCKERS KILLED HIM!” why do women repeat themselves so much? Anyway, I’m getting off subject again. So looking back on it all, I can think of only three mistakes that were made..

1. Trying to help a roommates Gerbil find food. I just have such a good heart, it’s hard not to help.

2. Allowing my buddy to be the person on the other end of this tube. He is the best friend you could ever ask for, but he really isn’t the known for his intelligence.

3. Lastly, Jello Shots. Anyone who has had them, knows what I’m talking about. Anyone who hasn’t, would never understand.