When I Arrive at the Pearly Gates

When I arrive at the Pearly Gates, I'll have some questions. For starters, are Pearly Gates really enough to keep out the bad guys? I mean, these people orchestrate heists and campaign for office.

There will be other questions, to be sure. Would you know I've been writing a list...

Why are there "no shoplifting" signs? Are there places where it's okay?

How come psychics never win the lottery?

Why not one long month with 365 days?

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come we have so much useless crap?

How can Santa Claus get old but never die?

What is the Universe expanding onto?

Why is there boxing at the Goodwill Games?

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk?

When people go to the bathroom, why do they say they'll be right back? Do they ever stay?

Where do Hawaiians go on vacation?

If we don't say "amen," does God just keep on listening?

What are we supposed to do when they issue air quality warnings? Hold our breath?

How come so many good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people?

Why don't we ever drop flowers on other countries to let them know that we love them?

Why do we call it a walk when the batter jogs to first base and becomes a runner?

When your palm itches, it means that you're about to make money. What does it mean when your butt itches?

Is it really low-fat, or does the serving just fit in the palm of your hand?

Wouldn't it be easier to take, say, cabbage from a baby?

Why are his-and-her presents always for her?

When porn stars get married, do guests get to attend the honeymoon?

If meteorologist study the weather, who's watching out for the meteors?

How do you blow a French kiss?

If God made Earth for man, how come there's so much water?

Will we ever find a cure for that mysterious illness that turns three-day weekends into four-day weekends?

Why are softballs so hard?

When will we develop solar energy? When Exxon owns the sun?

What's the difference between neurotic and eccentric? How much money you make?

How come so few people are familiar with the word "arcane"?

Is it time to have a telethon for Jerry Lewis?

Does wild rice have to be hunted?

We have curling in the Olympics. Why not horse shoes or tiddlywinks?

Who invented Soap-on-a-Rope? A prisoner?

Why can't the chicken just appreciate the side of the road she's on?

Holistic dentistry?! Isn't that what they had in the Middle Ages?

People talk on cell phones in the lobby. Why do they take exception when I read aloud?

How can J&D mass-market rare scotch?

Why do we call them elevators when they go up and down?

What do you call tights that are too big for you?

What if we run out of hypothetical questions?

And Saint Peter will roll his eyes, knowing what I'm up to -- delayed sentencing. Johnny Cochrane had tried the same tactic. So it goes.

"Mr. Hammer, I see that you thrice used the Bible as a coaster. In the sixth grade you called Meloni Baller a 'pencil-neck geek' before turning her cotton briefs into a G-string.

"You wrote inexcusable puns and prided yourself on the ability to belch 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"

And I will look straight ahead with elevator face.

"I'm afraid that we will be sending you back as a pencil-neck geek so that you can explore at greater depth the answers to your silly little questions."

Billy Graham said that heaven is like a "never-ending family reunion," which is funny because that's exactly the way I describe hell. I just know that if we're permitted to come back as whatever we please, I will definitely choose brassiere.

In the meantime, I promise to refrain from placing beverages on the Scripture and giving wedgies to my classmates, but there is little I can do about the hokey word plays. Even now I'm wondering if, when it stinks to high heaven, the smell goes all the way up to cloud nine or
stops at seventh heaven.

Saint Peter? Oh, Mr. Peter?...