A Very Presidential Pose

Take that Vladimir Putin!

'Nuff Said...

Blame...

Tampon Earrings

MSNBC host keeping it classy...

I've Made A Huge...

One Nation under oBama

Pretty Much...

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

White Coffee!?

There is just something about the coffee party...

Are they independent?

Or are they drones?

They all look quite white.

And they claim to represent...

...who?

Some are old.

Some are young(er).

Some have all the latest electronic gear.

Some have a flag.

Some sit outside.

And some inside.

Some bring babies. (and some dogs)

They sit in comfortable booths.

Or stand for pictures. (with another dog!?)

They hold up signs.

And pose as groups.

They just casually hang out.

But have you noticed who is missing?

They are represented by the old whites.

And small white groups.

And larger white groups.

Who get into bigger and bigger white groups.

And still.

They never really.

Become inclusive.

The Coffee Party is a big white joke.

I mean really.

Who's ever heard of White Coffee?

Who's Your Friend?

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

Dogs...

Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

A: Suck its dick.

Talking Horses

There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"

Just Checking...

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Put To Sleep

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...