Amnesty

About The Gays

I've always believed homosexuality was largely biological, and have never really had a beef with them.

However, it has never been something I care to hear a great deal about… my understanding is that the 10% figure is way too high, and I've heard 2 or 3% is more accurate. This is a small minority of people… and it’s also clearly something that could reasonably be thought of as a birth defect. I’m all for treating gay people with dignity, respect, and leaving them alone… but I feel that this very rare variant of human sexuality has become FAR too prominent in our national landscape. We are hearing about it FAR too often and they are pushing FAR too hard for more and more.

People need to be adult about these things and just realize, some times you get the short end of the stick from birth… if you’re blind, people will try to do things like invent braille, seeing eye dogs, etc… but at the end of the day, you will face massively more hardship than the sighted. If you’re deaf, we invent sign language and cochlear implants and we try hard to accommodate those disabilities or any other… wheelchair ramps, etc… but at the end of the day, being born with an unusual defect, no matter what it is… is ALWAYS going to be an inconvenience and doom you to a life of living in a world that just doesn't seem built for you.

It’s sad, but it’s the nature of the real world… and much like the deaf shouldn't expect everyone to stop listening to music or to learn sign language, and the blind shouldn't expect everyone to wear blindfolds in solidarity… and paraplegics shouldn't expect everyone to use wheelchairs in solidarity… homosexuals should not expect the rest of society to rework its entire understanding of marriage and family and sexuality.

I realize it must have been rough for people living in the closet in the 50′s, etc… but frankly society was healthier because it had a clarity about gender roles, sexuality, and such. Unfortunately, for a society to be healthy and strong, I believe it is inevitable that some will feel left out.

--Author unknown

Just when you thought all the good ideas were taken!!!

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

More Solutions:

Solution to the problem:

Killing Osama bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will only inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, we should do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals, Green Berets, etc., covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

More Solutions to Terrorism

Oink if you like foreign policy!

An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true. This got me thinking.

If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell.

Additionally, if we drop shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. Apparently Muslims dislike the very site of pigs A LOT!

They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we spike their water supply with a few thousand gallons of moonshine, get them shit faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend.

Just a thought.

Body Basics

The following are the steps that should be taken to prepare a body for shipment:

1. Thoroughly cleanse and embalm the remains.
2. Pack all external orifices.
3. Place the remains in a plastic garment (pants, coveralls, or unionalls).
4. Partially dress the remains using underclothing, pajamas, or a hospital gown, and envelop in a clean sheet;
5. When shipping by common carrier place the shrouded body on a sheet of plastic which can envelop the body.
6. Do *not* place one hand over another, as this might not be the desired position.
7. When shipping casketed remains, place a very heavy layer of cotton around the head and face to protect the casket and clothing from any purge; be certain to turn the pillow over for shipping to prevent soilage from purge or cosmetics.
8. Secure the body on a cot if shipping within the container; if casketed, place the bed of the casket in the lowest position and move the feet to the furthest end; secure the head end so the body will not slide.
9. Document the condition of the body prior to, during, and after embalming. Send a copy of the embalming report with the remains.
10. Notify the receiving funeral director of any unusual conditions (e.g., trauma, obesity, edema).

Now We Know

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time