The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

More Solutions:

Solution to the problem:

Killing Osama bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will only inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, we should do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals, Green Berets, etc., covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

Obama for Change

Words for Next Year's Dictionary

Af·ghan·i·stan [af-GYAN-is-tan]
-noun

1. A landlocked country of southwest-central Asia. Since ancient times the region has been crisscrossed by invaders, including Persians, Macedonians, Arabs, Turks, and Mongols. Afghan tribes united in the 18th century under a single leadership, but a fully independent state did not emerge until 1919. Kabul is the capital and the largest city. Population: 0. Major Feature: Only country on Earth, without electricity, whose glow can be seen from the moon. See under bin laden.

Ar·a·bic [A-rah-bic]
-adjective

1. Of or relating to Arabia, the Arabs, their language, or their culture.

-noun

1. (Dead Language) A Semitic language consisting of numerous dialects that was the principal language of Arabia, Jordan, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, Egypt, and parts of northern Africa. Fell out of usage after September 2001. Being replaced by Hebrew and English. See under bin laden, U.S. Marine Corps, Shiite.

bin' lad·en [bin LAW-din]
-past tense of lade { v. intr.To ladle a liquid. }

1. Introduced into US Southern slang, as in "bin' fish'in", and "bin' hunt'in"; To squash something so completely that only an oily stain remains. Usage: "That poor critter sure got bin laden by those trucks as it tried to cross the interstate." Brought into common usage by the returning elements of the US Marine Corp. See under Shiite, Trident Mark 47 Thermonuclear Warhead, IRATE, AFGHANISTAN.

ji·had also je·had [GEE-hawd]
-noun

1. A Muslim holy war or spiritual struggle against infidels. Origin: Most likely came into language, through repetition of usage, as a corruption of the English slang term Yea-Ha [YEE-ha]
2. Used to express surprise, wonder, triumph, puzzlement, or pique.
3. An affirmative statement or vote and as overheard used by numerous American Fighter Bomber Pilots and Tank Crews, or as a crossover term when real-life mimics art and the movies, sic. As uttered by Slim Pickens, in the final scenes of Doctor Strangelove.

hi·jab [hi-JAB]
-noun

1. The headscarf worn by Muslim women, sometimes including a veil that covers the face except for the eyes. Mainly used today to mask the morning of the loss of fathers, brothers, husbands and children, and to hide flash and radiation burns, or to act a a filter for low levels of fallout.

IR·ATE [eye-RATE]
-noun

1. The new country formed out of 95% of the land mass of Iran and Iraq. The remaining 5% can be found settling as a fine white ash downwind over the Himalayan Mountain Range. See under U.S. Marine Corp, Trident Mark 47 Thermonuclear Warhead, Shiite, bin laden, Yea-Ha.

Shi·ite also Shi·‘ite [SHEE-ite]
-noun

1. A member of the extinct branch of Islam that regarded Ali and his descendants as the legitimate successors to Mohammed and rejects the first three caliphs.

-adjective

1. Associative name; A mispronouncing of a Southern version of an American expletive { shit (shit) Vulgar Slang interj. Used to express surprise, anger, or extreme displeasure}, often spoken as the last word of members of this extinct sect as they saw the Trident Mark 47 Warhead re-entry contrails overhead. Origin: Lost in the past. See under bin laden, Yea-Ha.

Kabul Air Show

First Annual Kabul Air Show Scheduled (AP)
Kabul, Afghanistan 17:52 GMT - Sept. 11, 2008

Citizens of Afghanistan are reportedly looking forward with great anticipation to reports of an international air show to be held in the skies over their nation.

An unnamed official informed us that "Now the rest of the world will look upon our beloved city with great honor just as they do Farnborough, England and Paris, France", referring to the sites of two other famous international air shows.

The exact date and time of the upcoming Kabul International Air Show has not yet been announced. It is believed that event organizers feel that such an announcement would detract from the fun of the celebration by, "spoiling the surprise".

Unlike most air shows the Kabul Air Show will feature almost no static ground displays but will have an unusually high number of aerial demonstrations and fly-bys. "We are most pleased by this feature of our air show. Instead of a lot of different kinds of airplanes just sitting around on the tarmac, the aircraft attending our show will actually be up in the air demonstrating what they do best!" we were told.

Participation will probably be heaviest by aircraft of the United States Air Force and Marine Corps. Including appearances by F-15's, F-16's, A-10's, B-52's and Apache helicopters. It is rumored that opening ceremonies will feature a tomahawk-cruise fireworks display. A few B-2's, and F-117A's may also help out in some unseen capacity.

Several other counties have expressed an interest in sending representatives. These include all nineteen nations in the NATO alliance as well as Australia. The excitement generated for this gala event has even prompted the Israeli Air Force to apply for participation.

Of course, no one is more excited than the Afghan people themselves. Great numbers of them are in the streets of Kabul looking constantly heavenward in gratitude for the historic event, which will soon take place in their skies. It has been observed that some are so concerned about missing the show that even as they bow to the East they keep snatching worried glances towards the West. Thousands, in fact, have been seen leaving the city and fleeing to the mountains carrying food and blankets - obviously anxious to get a good vantage point for the air show, and to make a picnic of it.

A Better America

A father is walking with his son around the year 2032 in lower Manhattan. As they explore the area the father explains to his son about the grandeur of the buildings and take on the sites. Suddenly they come to a beautiful park and plaza.

The son is so excited at the beautiful park and monuments and asks his Dad: "What are these monuments for?"

The father replies: "This park is dedicated to honour the Twin Towers and the memory of the people of New York."

"What are the Twin Towers?" asks the son.

Dad replies: "They were two very large 110 story buildings which stood here nearly 30 years until Arab Terrorists destroyed them."

"Dad, what is an arab?"

Biker

WWE is SO GAY!

Old People

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Top 10

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

10.		Have to sit upright while driving.
9.		Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8.		Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7.		Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
6.		They keep trying to carjack the Schlitz Malt Liquor car.
5.		Police cars on track interfere with race.
4.		No passenger seat for the Ho.
3.		No Cadillacs approved for competition.
2.		When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

and the number one reason why blacks can't be in NASCAR..............

1.

They can't wear their helmets sideways.

Sister Mary Catherine

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "it helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine. And she was hammered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For Shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat as replied: "And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me she's going to shit!"

Put To Sleep

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

How to improve your day and outlook. POSITIVE OUTLOOK HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

Cell Phones

A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."

When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."

The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!"

So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.

The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.

After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

Black Hurricanes

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

'Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!

Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!'

More Solutions to Terrorism

Oink if you like foreign policy!

An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true. This got me thinking.

If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell.

Additionally, if we drop shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. Apparently Muslims dislike the very site of pigs A LOT!

They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we spike their water supply with a few thousand gallons of moonshine, get them shit faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend.

Just a thought.

Spoiled Mother

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus.

The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Monday

Disorder in the Courts

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #*%^@ %) me?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you #@%*&$ @ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

What is an American?

"An American is English or French or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian or Arab or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian or he could be Jewish or Buddhist or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.?

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the wo rld in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan

Americans welcome the best of everything..the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America

Some of them were working in theTwin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,'the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

Trial of the Nuns

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

How to Prepare a Kiwi

George W.'s War

No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought.

Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often ambivalent or largely opposed to any given war. It's up to our leader to convince them. That's why we call the leader 'Commander in Chief.'

George W.'s war was no different. There was lots of resistance to it. Many in Congress were vehemently against the idea. The Commander in Chief had to lobby for legislative approval.

Along with supporters, George W. used the force of his convictions, the power of his title, and every ounce of moral suasion he could muster to rally support. He had to assure Congress and the public that the war was morally justified, winnable, and affordable. Congress eventually came around and voted overwhelmingly to wage war.

George W. then lobbied foreign governments for support. But in the end, only one European nation helped us. The rest of the world sat on its hands and watched.

After a few quick victories, things started to go bad. There were many dark days when all the news was discouraging. Casualties began to mount. It became obvious that our forces were too small. Congress began to drag its feet about funding the effort. Many who had voted to support the war just a few years earlier were beginning to speak against it and accuse the Commander in Chief of misleading them. Many critics began to call him incompetent, an idiot, and even a liar. Journalists joined the negative chorus with a vengeance.

As the war entered its fourth year, the public began to grow weary of the conflict and the casualties. George W.'s popularity plummeted. Yet through it all, he stood firm, supporting the troops and endorsing the struggle.

Without his unwavering support, the war would have surely ended, then and there, in overwhelming and total defeat.

At this darkest of times, he began to make some changes. More troops were added and trained. Some advisers were shuffled, and new generals installed.

Then, unexpectedly and gradually, things began to improve. Now it was the enemy that appeared to be growing weary of the lengthy conflict and losing support. Victories began to come, and hope returned.

Many critics in Congress and the press said the improvements were just George W.'s good luck. The progress, they said, would be temporary. He knew, however, that in warfare good fortune counts.

Then, in the unlikeliest of circumstances and perhaps the most historic example of military luck, the enemy blundered and was resoundingly defeated. After six long years of war, the Commander in Chief basked in a most hard-fought victory.

So on that historic day, Oct. 19, 1781, in a place called Yorktown, a satisfied George Washington sat upon his beautiful white horse and accepted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis, effectively ending the Revolutionary War.

Cooking Salmon in a Dishwasher

Needs:

• salmon fillets
• aluminum foil
• a lemon
• a few butter pats
• electric dishwasher

Place the fish on two large sheets of aluminum foil.

Squeeze on some lemon juice and place the pats of butter on the salmon fillets.

Seal the fillets well in the foil, and place the foil packet in the top wire basket of your electric dishwasher.

DO NOT ADD SOAP OR DETERGENT!

Close the dishwasher door, set the dishwasher on the hottest wash cycle, complete with drying cycle, and let it run through a full cycle.

When the cycle is complete the fish will be cooked just right.

Another Point of View

Perhaps this is why so many physicians are conservatives or republicans.

The Democrat Party has become the Lawyers' Party. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are lawyers. Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama are lawyers. John Edwards, the other former Democrat candidate for president, is a lawyer, and so is his wife, Elizabeth. Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate). Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school. Look at the Democrat Party in Congress: the Majority Leader in each house is a lawyer.

The Republican Party is different. President Bush and Vice President Cheney were not lawyers, but businessmen. The leaders of the Republican Revolution were not lawyers. Newt Gingrich was a history professor; Tom Delay was an exterminator; and, Dick Armey was an economist. House Minority Leader Boehner was a plastic manufacturer, not a lawyer. The former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is a heart surgeon.

Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer? Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against Ronald Reagan in 1976. The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work. The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers. Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Bush and Cheney, or who heal the sick, like Frist, or who immerse themselves in history, like Gingrich.

The Lawyers' Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America . And, so we have seen the procession of official enemies, in the eyes of the Lawyers' Party, grow.

Against whom do Hillary and Obama rail? Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals, manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses, bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation.

This is the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of lawyers. Lawyers solve problems by successfully representing their clients, in this case the American people. Lawyers seek to have new laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their side.

Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine. But it is an awful way to govern a great nation. When politicians as lawyers begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as opposing parties, then the role of the leg al system in our life becomes all-consuming. Some Americans become "adverse parties" of our very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social class-action suit. We are citizens of a republic that promises us a great deal of freedom from laws, from courts, and from lawyers.

Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent lawyers in all parts of our once private lives. America has a place for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not vast and unchecked. When the most important decision for our next president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of lawyers and the law in America is too big. When lawyers use criminal prosecution as a continuation of politi cs by other means, as happened in the lynching of Scooter Libby and Tom Delay, then the power of lawyers in America is too great. When House Democrats sue America in order to hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to us, then the role of litigation in America has become crushing.

We cannot expect the Lawyers' Party to provide real change, real reform, or real hope in America . Most Americans know that a republic in which every major government action must be blessed by nine unelected judges is not what Washington intended in 1789. Most Americans grasp that we cannot fight a war when ACLU lawsuits snap at the heels of our defenders. Most Americans intuit that more lawyers and judges will not restore declining moral values or spark the spirit of enterprise in our economy.

Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that more lawyers with more power will only make our problems worse.

Vacations Are Great

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.'

'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.'

'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.'

'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'

Just 143 Days...........

Would any one of you go along "for the ride" if an airline captain had 143 days of ground school, a ship commander with 143 days at sea, a doctor with 143 days of med school, and attorney with 143 days of law school, a dentist with 143 days of dental school????

Just how much Senate experience does Barack Obama have in terms of actual work days? Not much.

From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential explorator committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.

After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan.

143 days -- I keep food in my freezer longer than that.

In contrast, John McCain's 26 years in Congress, 22 years of military service including 1,966 days in captivity as a POW in Hanoi, now seems more impressive than ever.

Brilliant Ways Girls Turn Guys Down

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE:I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy…
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE:Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE:So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

How to save the government MILLIONS

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year. Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Sen McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president. Sen Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

How's that for non partisan thinking???

Obama's Cabinet Picks

More Crazy Ethnic People

Buzzing undies make shopper faint

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.

The kinky 33 year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.

But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness.

She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales.

When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing.

They took them off before an ambulance took her to the hospital.

The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill-effects.

And as she left the hospital, a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told The Sun: "We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already."

Crazy Ethnic People

Swimmer trapped by beach balls

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles has shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

Stupid Romanians

Teatime Love Bite

A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea -- while she gave him oral sex.

In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the pan and spilt boiling oil down her naked back.

She clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan.

Both only admitted how they recieved their injuries after "intense questioning" by hospital docs in Carloca, Romania.

The man needed treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two black eyes, and a broken cheek bone.

Worried About My Reputation

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives In Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and Selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: One is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this..... I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who Supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

The GWB Libary

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages.

The Library will include:

• The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.
• The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
• The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
• The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
• The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
• The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
• The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
• The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.
• The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
• The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
• The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
• The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
• The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.
• The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
• The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1,000 or 3 Euros

Racism

by Mark Putnam

It was a progressive town, so naturally it had laws against racism. It also had laws against sneering, chastising, or holding one's nose at an angle greater than forty-five degrees.

The entire town was still sleeping, collectively hung over from a night of weaving community-use hemp rope and individually sneaking out back with their matches and Zippos to determine if it was really true what they said about organic, holistically grown hemp stock. Unfortunately it was not true, so most everyone decided to get drunk instead.

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Leftard Defeat'O'Cratic Anger

The Missing Dollar

3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5.

On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man a $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.

This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27, and the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.

Where is the other dollar?

PICKETS TO TITTSBURGH

Two guys are on a business trip to Pittsburgh. One of the guys decides to go get the tickets at the airport. He walks up to the attendant and says, "Can I get two pickets to Tittsburgh?" After blushing severely, he apologizes for the slip-up and she gives him the tickets.

He goes back over to his buddy and says, "Man, I just asked that lady if I could get two pickets to Tittsburgh."

His buddy looks over and sees that the lady is well-endowed.

He says, "Oh that's called a Freudian slip...That's when you're brain and your tongue get jumbled-up and you say something pretty embarrassing. It happened to me just the other night at the dinner table with my wife. I wanted to say, 'Would you please pass the butter?' and what I wound up saying was, "You whore, you've ruined my life."

More Problems to Ponder

Think about this one:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.

Problem Solving

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems.

Try this win-win solution:

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Body Basics

The following are the steps that should be taken to prepare a body for shipment:

1. Thoroughly cleanse and embalm the remains.
2. Pack all external orifices.
3. Place the remains in a plastic garment (pants, coveralls, or unionalls).
4. Partially dress the remains using underclothing, pajamas, or a hospital gown, and envelop in a clean sheet;
5. When shipping by common carrier place the shrouded body on a sheet of plastic which can envelop the body.
6. Do *not* place one hand over another, as this might not be the desired position.
7. When shipping casketed remains, place a very heavy layer of cotton around the head and face to protect the casket and clothing from any purge; be certain to turn the pillow over for shipping to prevent soilage from purge or cosmetics.
8. Secure the body on a cot if shipping within the container; if casketed, place the bed of the casket in the lowest position and move the feet to the furthest end; secure the head end so the body will not slide.
9. Document the condition of the body prior to, during, and after embalming. Send a copy of the embalming report with the remains.
10. Notify the receiving funeral director of any unusual conditions (e.g., trauma, obesity, edema).

Freedom

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty reads...

"Give me your tired, your poor.
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Not this...

"Give me your criminals, your free loaders.
Your unwilling law breaking jackasses who don't value the freedom I offer enough to become citizens.
Send me people who disregard what I stand for and break the laws of the nation I represent.
Send these ungrateful, freeloading, criminals.
I lift the lamp of amnesty and open borders, because there apparently is no door (or fence for that matter)."

If you don't like it just stay the hell away.

Thank you for Shopping at Wal-Mart

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

A Letter of Apology

I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth; it was in the defense of Muslims ( Bosnia , Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait , etc.)

I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the extremists came after 9/11.

I am sorry that all of the murderers on 9/11 were Islamic Arabs.

I am sorry that most Arabs and Muslims have to live in squalor under savage dictatorships.

I am sorry that their leaders squander their wealth.

I am sorry that their governments breed hate for the US in their religious schools, mosques, and government-controlled media.

I am sorry that Yasser Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high-jacked the Palestinian 'cause.'

I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians.

I am sorry that the U. S. A. has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA for all their problems.

I am sorry that our own left wing, our media, and our own brainwashed liberal masses do not understand any of this (from the misleading vocal elements of our society like radical liberal professors, CNN and the NY TIMES).

I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the 'food for oil' money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered.

I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death

I am sorry that those same bombers are brainwashed thinking they will receive 72 virgins in 'paradise.'

I am sorry that the homicide bombers think pregnant women, babies, children, the elderly and other noncombatant civilians are legitimate targets.

I am sorry that our troops die to free more Arabs from the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents of their own making.

I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group.

I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state.

I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah.

I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a convenient 'Holy Site.'

I am sorry they didn't apologize for driving a jet into the World Trade Center that collapsed and severely damaged Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church - one of our Holy Sites.

I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, the murders and beheadings of Nick Berg and Daniel Pearl, etc....etc!

I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa .

America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do.

I am sorry the Barack Hussein Obama may be elected president of the United States when he doesn't have a clue on how to be a strong Commander-in-chief in a world filled with Muslim extremists who will do whatever it needs to do to destroy the lives of civilized people while killing innocent men, women and children in order to bring a change that is beneficial to all Islamic terrorists worldwide.

I am sorry that voters on the liberal left don't understand the frightening changes that are taking place in the Muslim world and what these changes will do to this world in which we live.

I am sorry that the Democratic Party has been highjacked by Socialists and Communists right under the very noses of those who take pride in calling themselves democrats.

We hang out our dirty laundry for the entire world to see. We move on. That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology.

Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners. Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated?

Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujahans.

If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait! You have a better chance of finding those seventy-two virgins.

Farty People

A lot of people say that farty people are disgusting, they make their eyes bleed, they smell bad, and they shouldn't be allowed to vote. But they're just wrong. I mean, farty people aren't disgusting; excess farting is probably pretty attractive in some people's eyes. And contrary to science, farty people DO NOT cause eye bleeding. The real source is due to intentional eye gouging with the closest sharp object when smelling a farting person. And farty people don't smell. It's the bacteria trapped in the bowls that smell bad. And farty people should have the right to vote - there's no doubt about that. Sure, you might wonder how good someone who cannot take care of their own health could cast an intelligent vote, but they might guess and get it right... you never know.

Terrorist Fist Jab

FEMINISM

Castrate Obama! Oh My!

Rev. Jesse Jackson Caught Bad-Mouthing Obama

CHICAGO (CBS) ― The Rev. Jesse Jackson is apologizing for disparaging remarks he made about Barack Obama's relationship with African American church-goers, caught on camera during a break in a Fox News interview.

Jackson, during a break in a Fox News interview, made a very crude statement regarding Obama's relationship with African Americans after the presidential candidate made several speeches on morality at black churches.

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Pompous Bitch

My ex-wife and I were out to dinner with a group of friends and we'd gone to the country club.

She had ordered fish, and when the waiter brought our meals he set her food down in front of her and announced "Voila!"

She turned to me and muttered snarkily, "'Voila'...how pretentious can you get?"

The waiter, unfortunately for her, overheard her and to her embarrassment clarified that he had actually said, "Walleye," since that was what she had ordered.

Yes, she was an idiot.

The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I 'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

• Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
• Hillary got $8 million for hers.
• That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Last Weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Frances. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Fran what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ears nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my ears!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

You're NOT having a bad day...

...these people had bad days:

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

On 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record. His sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been turned off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards an electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly electrical current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

AND THE WINNER IS.......

An Iraqi terrorist (certifiable idiot), Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the resulting explosion.

See, I told you that you weren't having a bad day.

The GWB Libary

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages.

The Library will include:

• The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.
• The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
• The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
• The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
• The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
• The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
• The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
• The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.
• The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
• The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
• The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
• The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
• The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.
• The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
• The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1,000 or 3 Euros

TWO GOOD ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS --- GOOD AND DEAD !

Grand Jury Clears Texas Man Who Fatally Shot Burglars
09:32 PM CDT on Monday, June 30, 2008
The Associated Press

HOUSTON – A suburban Houston homeowner was cleared by a grand jury Monday for fatally shooting two men burglarizing his neighbor's home.

Joe Horn, 62, shot the men in November after he saw them crawling out the windows of a neighbor's house in the Houston suburb of Pasadena, carrying bags of the neighbor's possessions.

Mr. Horn, a retired grandfather, called 911 and told the dispatcher he had a shotgun and was going to kill them. The dispatcher pleaded with him not to go outside, but Mr. Horn confronted the men with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot both in the back.

"The message we're trying to send today is the criminal-justice system works," Harris County District Attorney Kenneth Magidson said.

Mr. Horn's attorney, Tom Lambright, said his client was relieved by the grand jury's decision and never wanted to hurt anyone.

"He wasn't trying to take matters into his own hands," Lambright said. "He was scared. He was not playing cowboy."

Mr. Horn did not speak with reporters Monday.

A large, red no-trespassing sign blocked the path to his front door, and a handwritten sign on the door said "Please no media," "No Trespassing" and "Do not knock or ring bell." A couple of neighbors also had signs on their doors asking media to leave them alone.

A few police cars patrolled the area near Mr. Horn's home.

Mr. Lambright reiterated that Mr. Horn believed the two men had broken into his neighbor's home and that he shot them out of fear for his life when they came into his yard and threatened him.

"He wasn't acting like a vigilante," Mr. Lambright said. "He was well within his rights to do what he was doing."

The two suspected burglars, Hernando Riascos Torres, 38, and Diego Ortiz, 30, were unemployed illegal immigrants from Colombia. Mr. Torres was deported to Colombia in 1999 after a 1994 cocaine-related conviction.

The incident touched off protests from civil-rights activists who said the shooting was racially motivated and that Mr. Horn took the law into his own hands. Mr. Horn's supporters defended his actions, saying he was protecting himself and being a good neighbor to a homeowner who was out of town.

"I understand the concerns of some in the community regarding Mr. Horn's conduct," Mr. Magidson said. "The use of deadly force is carefully limited in Texas law to certain circumstances. ... In this case, however, the grand jury concluded that Mr. Horn's use of deadly force did not rise to a criminal offense."

Texas law allows people to use deadly force to protect themselves if it is reasonable to believe they are in mortal danger. In limited circumstances, people also can use deadly force to protect their neighbor's property.

New Verizon Ad

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams..
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Go Cowboys!

Four football fans –

A Cowboys fan, an Eagles fan, a Colts fan and a Patriots fan are all climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Colts fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Colts!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.

The Cowboys fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, 'This is for Everyone!' and pushes the Patriots fan off the mountain.

GO COWBOYS!

GOTHOPOTAMUS

There's Still Truth and Humor in DC

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!' For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?' Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing...

'Vote for Obama! - Vote for Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...!

Sentence Structure is Important!

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit...'

Shannon's Brisket Rub

1/3 cup salt
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup chili powder
1/4 teaspoon thyme (optional)
6 tablespoons black pepper (can add more to make it spicy)
1 tablespoon paprika
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon pepper
1 tablespoon Cajun powder
1 tablespoon Cayenne pepper

I like to rub my meat the night before and then rub it a couple of times throughout the night before cooking it.

Hope you enjoy rubbing your meat.

Mars & Venus

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick

Arizona Telephone Survey

The latest telephone survey taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

• 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
• 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

University Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .

Tell him if he wants to come to the USA then he must serve a tour in the military.

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

Today's Diversity Lesson

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to explain that he had gone into the back yard when he heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue, but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Jones


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Now We Know

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My Husband is a cheat and liar. He cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 6 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed/Clueless

Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York ; act like one!