Good Vibrations

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Fishing with Grandpa

Timmy and his grandfather went fishing one day.

About a half an hour in, Grandpa takes out a beer and starts to drink it. "Hey Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?", Timmy asks. Grandpa says,"Well let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Timmy is appalled. "No! I'm only 10 yrs old!" he says. Grandpa says, "Well until you can, no beer."

About half an hour later, Grandpa lights a cigar. Same question by Timmy, and the same answer from Grandpa.

After another half hour has passed Timmy gets out a bag of Oreos and stars to eat them. Grandpa says,"Hey Timmy, may I have one of those cookies?" Timmy says,"Let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Grandpa gets a proud look on his face and says,"Yes I can!"

Timmy says "Good. Go fuck yourself, these are MY oreos!"

Tragedy in New Orleans

It seems like every couple of days New Orleans loses one of its treasured entrepreneurs.

These people are the hope for the city and we must call a halt to this unfortunate trend if we ever expect to see a vibrant city again.

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Entrepreneur?????

It took me a couple of minutes to get it, but NINE welfare recipients (9 kids by the time he’s 25 years old) collecting about $500 each(depending on the state) Aide to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC) monthly payments equals $4,500 a month!!!


He comes from a family with 8 brothers and 5 sisters! His parents had FOURTEEN children, all presumably living in New Orleans and making their way as "entrepreneurs" eligible for similar benefits.


Now, he shrewdly insures his "companion" Kawanner is not his "wife" to qualify as a single parent household without child support collection obligations. As an "entrepreneur" he insures he has no reportable W2 income to maintain AFDC financial eligibility.


Add food stamp benefits, free medical under state/federal MEDICAID program, free school lunches, low-income heating assistance, Supplement Security Income (SSI) and SSI Caretaker Supplement Program of $250 for first child and $150 each additional and $400 to caretaker parent, child care assistance, job access loans,


Community Service Job training program, transportation assistance, children's services network, on and on and on. Now that indeed is a real Entrepreneur.


Makes one proud to be a Democrat.

Got Nothin' On Me

PSALM 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes.

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American, I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog and Obama was a tree!

Obama's April Fools Joke

I can make a firm pledge. Under my plan, no family making less than $250,000 a year will see any form of tax increase. – Barack Obama, Sept.12, 2008 Dover, NH

Understanding Tax Refunds

Understanding Tax Refunds - baseball style!

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it: 50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

• People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
• People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."
• People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
• People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
• People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker of the House Nancy Plastic Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry I like Clean, Light Skinned, Articulate Negros Reid, Secretary of the Treasury Timmy the Tax Cheat Geighner, or Senator Barney the Banking Queen Frank.

Alabama Logic

Two Alabama Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob , are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Well then; you're a queer."

Only in America

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests:

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:

• You are Required to let me stay in your house
• You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
• You are Required to Educate my kids
• You are Required to Provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house.

And what a deal it is for me!!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE so that you can communicate with me.

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process..

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor st itches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Killer Biscuits wanted for Attempted Murder

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supremarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head... A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

We Mutually Pledge to Each Other Our Lives, Our Fortunes, and Our Sacred Honor

Of the 56 men who signed the ‘Declaration of Independence’ in the summer of 1776, some names are still common among us: Franklin, Jefferson and Hancock. But the remaining 53 have been largely forgotten. What kind of men were they? What did they stand to gain from this Revolution?

They ranged in age from 23 (Edward Rutledge of South Carolina) to age 80 (Ben Franklin of Pennsylvania). 24 of them were lawyers or judges, 11 of them were merchants of various kinds, nine were farmers, and the remaining members were ministers, doctors, and statesmen.

With just a handful of exceptions, these were all men of substantial education, property and public standing. As compared with the rest of the populace of the 1700s, they had blessings, eases, and pleasures in life enjoyed by very few. All of them had more to lose, than they had to gain.

John Hancock, who already had a bounty of 500 pounds on his head, was one of the wealthiest of the signers. From a family of considerable wealth, he inherited his mercantile fortune from his Uncle, Thomas Hancock. He was educated at Harvard, and had all that life could give him at the time. Yet he signed his signature with such size and flourish, that “it might be read without spectacles.”

He was not alone. The fever of liberty was running at a high pitch. Yet each of them knew the risks. Treason was punished by hanging. And the consequences did not end with themselves, but extended to their families as well. And there was already a massive English fleet docked in the harbor at New York.

And Hancock’s actions did not go unnoticed by the British. Nor did the those of the other suspected signers. All of them became ferociously hunted. Delegates from New York, William Floyd, Philips Livingston, Louis Morris, and Francis Lewis, each had their homes destroyed. Mrs. Lewis was captured and brutalized. Though later exchanged for two British prisoners, she never recovered. The Floyds were able to flee from New York into Connecticut, where they lived as refugees for the next seven years. Upon their return, they found nothing left of their estate. Livingston, whose large possessions were confiscated, died two years later still working in Congress. Morris was deprived of his family for the next seven years.

Delegate John Hart of New Jersey, attempted to come home to see his dying wife, but was turned back by soldiers. As she lay dying, soldiers destroyed his livestock and burned his farm. He was hunted from pillar to post. When the manhunt finally relented, he returned to find his wife dead and buried. His 13 children had been taken away. He died three years later absolutely broken, never seeing his family again.

Judge Richard Stockton rushed home from Philadelphia to evacuate his wife and children. Betrayed by a sympathizer to the Crown, he was torn from his bed where they were hiding in the middle of the night and subjected to a brutal beating. He was jailed, starved, and finally released after becoming an invalid. He did not see the end of the war or its victory, and his family was required to live off of the charitable help of friends and strangers.

The list goes on and on. One heartbreaking, gutwrenching story after another. Each of sacred honor, fortunes sacrificed and lives lost or forever altered. Yet not one recanted. Not one relented. Not one failed to deliver on his pledge to the others.

And most remarkably, there was one man...a man who had the chance to see his family spared. A man who could have saved his two sons if only he had rejected the colonial revolution and supported the King. He was Abraham Clark of New Jersey. Clark had two sons who fought for the new nation. They were eventually captured and taken to the notorious British prison ship Jersey, where more than 11,000 American soldiers died. The two suffered most severely for the “crimes” of their father, brutally beaten and starved.

Clark was offered his two son’s lives if he would just come out in support of the King. To those of us who live so soft and comfortably 200 hundred years in their wake, it must seem astounding that with a broken heart, he said, “No.”

Life. Fortune. Sacred Honor.

Healthcare By The Numbers

A recent "Investor's Business Daily" article provided very interesting statistics from a survey by the United Nations International Health Organization.

Percentage of men and women who survived a cancer five years after diagnosis:

• U.S. 65%
• England 46%
• Canada 42%

Percentage of patients diagnosed with diabetes who received treatment within six months:

• U.S. 93%
• England 15%
• Canada 43%

Percentage of seniors needing hip replacement who received it within six months:

• U.S. 90%
• England 15%
• Canada 43%

Percentage referred to a medical specialist who see one within one month:

• U.S. 77%
• England 40%
• Canada 43%

Number of MRI scanners (a prime diagnostic tool) per million people:

• U.S. 71
• England 14
• Canada 18

Percentage of seniors (65+), with low income, who say they are in "excellent health":

• U.S. 12%
• England 2%
• Canada 6%

I don't know about you, but I don't want "Universal Healthcare" comparable to England or Canada .

A Tribute to Obama (from the working class)

March is DANNY DOES DULUTH AWARENESS MONTH!

"March is DANNY DOES DULUTH AWARENESS MONTH! Check it out for free at dannydoesduluth.com and spread the word!"

One Hell of a Drug

All-in-One? Really?

White Coffee!?

There is just something about the coffee party...

Are they independent?

Or are they drones?

They all look quite white.

And they claim to represent...

...who?

Some are old.

Some are young(er).

Some have all the latest electronic gear.

Some have a flag.

Some sit outside.

And some inside.

Some bring babies. (and some dogs)

They sit in comfortable booths.

Or stand for pictures. (with another dog!?)

They hold up signs.

And pose as groups.

They just casually hang out.

But have you noticed who is missing?

They are represented by the old whites.

And small white groups.

And larger white groups.

Who get into bigger and bigger white groups.

And still.

They never really.

Become inclusive.

The Coffee Party is a big white joke.

I mean really.

Who's ever heard of White Coffee?

Four Words

Barack Speaks

An Old Pilot's Tale

If you've lived to be 85 you think you know who you are; then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old pilot sat down and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes and various other aircraft types – I flew in WWII in B–29s, and later in the Korean War, taught dozens of people to fly, and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. What about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence..

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.’

Pray for Leroy

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."

So, Leroy approaches.

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

Life in the United States

Booger Eater!

I Ran Into Tarzan the Other Day...

“I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan! I asked him how it was going and if he was into anymore movies.?? He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had severe arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from vine to tree. ??I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a nursing home, has Alzheimer’s and no longer recognizes anyone, how sad. I asked about Boy, and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city, got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol, and the only time he heard from him was if he was in trouble or needed something.? I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good, had married a Lawyer and now lived in the White House!!!”

Triplets

My New Cell Phone

Nokia has finally designed a cell phone for nervous white people who need to make a cell phone call while in Jacksonville, East Saint Louis, New Orleans, Memphis, South Chicago, South Dallas, Houston, L.A., Miami Detroit, Washington D.C., parts of New York City, Buffalo, Oakland, and parts of Atlanta.

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Al Gore's New House

Amber Alert

TOO BUSY SHOVELING GLOBAL WARMING OFF YOUR DRIVEWAY, TO HELP FIND THIS MISSING PERSON?

A New Twist to An Old Subject

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land". Now Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Things I Don't Miss About George W. Bush...

President Bush:

1. joined with open-borders progressives McCain and Kennedy to try to force shamnesty down our throats;
2. massively expanded the federal role in education;
3. championed the Medicare prescription drug entitlement using phony math;
4. kowtowed to the jihadi-enabling Saudis;
5. stocked DHS with incompetents and cronies;
6. pushed Hillarycare for housing;
7. enabled turncoat Arlen Specter;
8. nominated crony Harriet Myers to the Supreme Court;
9. pre-socialized the economy for Obama by embracing TARP, the auto bailouts, the AIG bailout, and in his own words:

“I’ve abandoned free-market principles to save the free-market system.”
–George W. Bush

No, I don’t miss having a corporate socialist Republican in the White House any more than I like having a corporate socialist Democrat in the White House now.

It's only NORML

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

'nuff said...

Is She the Piñata?

It was what she considered fitting, I guess, to honor & welcome the Spanish Prime Minister.

They were to attend an outdoor Fiesta Concert celebrating Hispanic musical heritage.

How DID those people on either side of them keep a straight face?

Is she the piñata?

Michele Obama has how many assistants?

And they let her dress like that!?

Society Sucks

TWO BROTHERS CHAT…

Saying Goodbye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! '

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Union Thugs Demand More Money

Albany Police Officers Union President Chris Mesley says that, regardless of the faltering economy, a no-raise new contract is unacceptable. And to hell with the public.

Mesley said. "If their taxes have go up to cover my raise, I'm very sorry about that, but I have to look out for myself and my membership." Mesley went on to say "As the president of the local, I will not accept 'zeroes.' If that ticks off some taxpayers, then so be it."


And that's how it is with those unionized thugs. It's your money and they want it. Now hand it over.