The Lab Rabbit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

An editorial from the London Daily Mail (A BRITISH VIEW)

Obama's Victory

A victory for the hysterical Oprah Winfrey, the mad racist preacher Jeremiah Wright, the mainstream media who abandoned any sense of objectivity long ago, Europeans who despise America largely because they depend on her, comics who claim to be dangerous and fearless but would not dare attack genuinely powerful special interest groups. A victory for Obama-worshippers everywhere. A victory for the cult of the cult. A man who has done little with his life but has written about his achievements as if he had found the cure for cancer in between winning a marathon and building a nuclear reactor with his teeth. Victory for style over substance, hyperbole over history, rabble-raising over reality.

A victory for Hollywood, the most dysfunctional community in the world. Victory for Streisand, Spielberg, Soros and Sarandon. Victory for those who prefer welfare to will and interference to independence. For those who settle for group think and herd mentality rather than those who fight for individual initiative and the right to be out of step with meager political fashion.

Victory for a man who is no friend of freedom. He and his people have already stated that media has to be controlled so as to be balanced, without realizing the extraordinary irony within that statement. Like most liberal zealots, the Obama worshippers constantly speak of Fox and Limbaugh, when the vast bulk of television stations and newspapers are drastically liberal and anti-conservative. Senior Democrat Chuck Schumer said that just as pornography should be censored, so should talk radio. In other words, one of the few free and open means of popular expression may well be cornered and beaten by bullies who even in triumph cannot tolerate any criticism and opposition.

A victory for those who believe the state is better qualified to raise children than the family, for those who prefer teachers' unions to teaching and for those who are naively convinced that if the West is sufficiently weak towards its enemies, war and terror will dissolve as quickly as the tears on the face of a leftist celebrity.

A victory for social democracy even after most of Europe has come to the painful conclusion that social democracy leads to mediocrity, failure, unemployment, inflation, higher taxes and economic stagnation. A victory for intrusive lawyers, banal sentimentalists, social extremists and urban snobs.

Congratulations America!

Joey and the mice

Joey made a trade with a friend, and got a pair of mice and a little cage for them. He fed them some special grainy food he had bought with his allowance at the pet store. One mouse was male, and the other female. Joey's friend had told him they weren't siblings.

After a while the female gave birth, and Joey was happy. There were 8 little baby mice. Over the next few weeks they grew up and reached full size. By this time Joey had figured out how to tell the males from females, and he separated them into separate cages. The thought of mice incest made him sick, so he was very careful not to let it happen.

Now, the idea of mice incest made Joey sick, but at the same time it was strangely...compelling. Frequently he would wonder what would be the product. What type of weird, mutated offspring would be the result? What if you kept doing it, generation after generation? What would happen? Joey would often wonder about these things, but he never actually allowed it to happen.

Instead, Joey was sort of frantic keeping the males and females separated, and yet since he wanted to have more and more mice under his control, he had to have more mating going on. So he would continue buying new male mice from his friend, which he would then mate with the females. As long as he kept the males separated, and only allowed new male mice from his friend's collection to mate with his females, he could be sure there wasn't any incest going on.

Over time he had many dozens of mice, and he was spending a larger and larger portion of his allowance on new cages and food for them. Cleaning up after them was getting to be tiresome also, and he had run out of experiments to perform. The experiments had all been trying to see what the mice could learn, if they could learn to travel down a tube and come out a certain hole, or if they could learn to look for food in a certain place. After a while he didn't want to know anything more about mice, and so he decided to set them free.

He had built a special frame on his floor that served as a pen, keeping the mice inside. It was a square made from 1 inch by 6 inch pieces of wood, and the square was 6 feet on a side. He had very carefully sanded the wood so the mice couldn't get a grip and climb over it. Once inside, the mice were unable to get away.

He then decided how he was going to set the mice free. It would require some special training, and he would have to make a gadget to assist. First, he took an old boot, and cut the sole away. Then inside the boot he glued some strips of wood sideways, and put little containers on the strips that would hold the mouse food. The strips were about 1 and 1/2 inches up from the bottom of the leather sides of the boot. Where a person's leg would go into the boot he put a cardboard tube that had once held some large posters. It was about 3 inches in diameter and 4 feet long. He glued the tube into the boot, and laced the boot up. He had cut some holes into the tongue of the boot so he could put in a tube to fill the food containers. Finally he took a pair of old jeans, cut off one of the legs, and fixed it so the leg came down around the boot. From the side it looked like a person's leg, wearing a boot.

Joey put several of his mice into the pen, put some food in the containers, and then held the boot down so the mice could climb up from underneath and get at the food. He began only feeding them this way, and after a short time the mice became accustomed to eating. They could climb up onto one of the slats inside the boot, and from there nibble at the grains in one of the containers.

Joey began feeding them more and more infrequently, so they were in general more hungry than they were accustomed to. And he would have larger groups of mice in the pen at the same time. And he would move the boot around in walking motions, slowly at first, then faster as the mice got used to it. They would race and climb over each other to get to where the boot would be coming down, so they could be underneath to climb up inside the boot and get the food. Joey was impressed at how good they got at it. Eventually all the mice were trained to run underneath the boot when it was coming down, even when they weren't hungry. But they'd move especially fast when they were hungry.

Joey fasted the mice for a day, and for a mouse this is a long time to go without food, so they were pretty frantic. Then he loaded them all up into grocery bag, males and females alike, put it into the basket on his bicycle, and rode over to the train station. Just before rush hour, when a train would be coming and dumping off a huge load of passengers, Joey arrived at the station. As the train was slowing to a stop, and the doors were opening, Joey put the bag on its side on the ground, and then upended it, pouring the mice out. Then he ran out as quickly as possible, got on his bike, and rode home. He had glanced back once, and had seen his mice all running frantically towards the group of people disembarking at the station.

Joey never found out what had happened to the mice, but he suspected they didn't suffer long. He figured the people getting off the train would be worse off.

Calling in Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Mrs. Rhodes

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

The Monkey Future

Confused about the terms: Red State and Blue State ?

This is Comforting

In 4 more days, then the beginning of a new ERROR! (Last 3 errors were in order, Bush 41, BJ Clinton, Bush 43)

Here is a pic I can’t figure out......Aging Rock Star? American Idle Winner? NBA “Gangsta” wanna-be?

None of the above......It’s your boy PEBO (President Elect B.O.)




As Israel defends itself against terrorists, Islamist "pirates" roam the seas, Iran finishes up its bomb, India and Pakistan are massing against each other, Russia colludes with China, Venezuela and Cuba, and as bin Laden plans his next move, we all can agree it certainly isn't a look that inspires confidence from a supposed Commander-in-Chief.

But on the flip side (as I have always said) people like McCain, Dubya, and Gingirich are not the answer either. They need to concentrate on golfing or needlepoint and simply fade away into the sunset where they can do no further damage. With “leadership” like this, no wonder the world's tyrants feel like the planet is their Disneyland.

Young Love

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

Set Your Priorities

A True Friend

Dogs...

Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

A: Suck its dick.

Favorite Woman Parts

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."

In the Navy

As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."

A very pregnant pause

"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.

"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."

This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"

"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."

The Nun

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe....."

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."

Leprechauns

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

Q: What to you say to a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing. She's already been told twice.

You Get What You Pay For

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out...

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street.

He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.

The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

Porky

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

"Because he fucks pigs!"

Sexual Diversity Awareness Day

Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she'll swallow!

Talking Horses

There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"

Merry Christmas!

Why Guys don't Design Chirstmas Wrapping

The Honeymoon

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

(*)Mouth rot

Recess at the Aslyum

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

--Thomas Jefferson

Making Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Girl Getting Driver's Liscense

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

A Walk in the Woods

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods.

The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

I'm eleven!

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

ABBOTT, COSTELLO, BUSH & RICE

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom t hat you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURD BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.


*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS* that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.


SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

*Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

Coded Message from Osama bin Laden

Barrack Hussein Obama has been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.

So Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean.

Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden.

Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.

Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to solve it.

Within minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:

'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down'.

First Black Woman President

You know what would really drive the Democrats nuts...?

Bush should resign now. Then Dick Cheney becomes President (that would really send the liberals into orbit)!!!

Then he appoints Condoleeza Rice as VP.

Then Cheney resigns two weeks later and Condoleeza Rice, A Republican, becomes the first BLACK President and the first WOMAN President !!!

Git er duuuunnn!!!

A Fable

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick....

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

How to Shower like a Man

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom.
• If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror and scratch your butt
• Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off.
• Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
• If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.

How to Shower like a Woman

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
• Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
• Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Rinse off.
• Turn off shower.
• Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
• Spray mold spots with Tilex.
• Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
• Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

A Master Salesman

A young guy from Tennessee moves to New York and goes to a big everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Tennessee '.

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.' I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

'How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$121,237.65'

The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'

The kid says 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

A Little "Gun Control" History

• In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
• In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
• Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.
• China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated
• Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
• Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
• Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated' people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
• Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million.

With guns, we are 'CITIZENS'.

Without them, we are 'SUBJECTS'.

Just Checking...

Obama Walks on Water

Happy Thanksgiving

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Don't let History Repeat Itself

The Indians did not build that wall and you know their fate.

Learn from history.

Build the wall!

America... through Obama's eyes

On my way to lunch a few weeks ago I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie. Again I laughed as he had given away his political preference -- just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

When I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I had decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. Also, employers could announce the consideration of employee raises, then withhold those raises and give the proceeds to a worthy cause, preferably one involving non-workers ... PRICELESS!

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the ‘No Bell Piece Prize’ but they also awarded him the ‘Pullet Surprise’ as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

The Golden Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window!

The next morning when he awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is: Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass.

Young Chuck

Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

I Love my Job

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand...

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

New Presidential Limo

THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS

Due to the unexpected events of November 4 there is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf after January 20, 2009

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.

Here are a couple of basic changes.

Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%

- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees

- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played.

The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:

-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10

-between 11 and 18 no additional amount

-above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.

The term "gimme putt" will be changed to "entitlement"

and will be used as follows:

-handicaps below 10, no entitlements

-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts

-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.

This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.

Getting Old

WHEN I'M 100....IF I LEAN A LITTLE....LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

'They won't let me fart.'

Schools Today

1919 Poster

I mean, seriously.....would you quit drinking?

Exam Time

Terror...

Vote Smart

Little Justin

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your mother?'

No,' the boy said, 'She works for the DEMOCRATIC National Committee and is helping to get BARACK OBAMA to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Little Johnny

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, All the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, What would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Obama Waffles

MEDIA BIAS

Immigration

Dem-O-thug

Texas Farmers

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.'

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.

YOU ARE HEALED

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, "Yes." So the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, "Add it to my bill."

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "Put 'er on my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Independent, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Independent felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked toward the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm collecting disability!"

Great Quote

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some 'dirt bag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker:

Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel:

'That's all the bullets we had!'

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

Last Wishes

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse

"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."

Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Bill.

"Amen," said Hillary.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Horny!

ROE vs. WADE

Barack Obama was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.

He said he didn't care how the people of Houston and Galveston got back to their houses after hurricane IKE.....

Stupid

You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right..' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
8. Police in Radnor , Pa . interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine .. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough . It's tougher if you're stupid and remember - these people can vote.

Trouble in Amsterdam

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then lays him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

5 Best Things

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK AT WORK:

• "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
• "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you had me attend."
• "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
• "Did you ever notice sounds coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
• And the NUMBER 1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "In Gods" name, Amen."

Too Green

You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become District Manager after 143 days of experience.

You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience.

You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience.

You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.


BUT....

'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United States Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working. After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World

....
143 days.

We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public is okay with this and campaigning for him. We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are okay with this for the President of the United States of America?

Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol. Wake UP!

Barber Shop Politics

The candidates were getting ready for the big debate. Since they were staying in the same hotel, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain found themselves in the hotel barbershop at the same time. The two propspective Presidents take their seats and the barbers go to work.

Trimmed and shaved, Mr. Obama gets ready to go.

The barber stops him with, "How would you like some aftershave, Mr. Senator?"

"No," was the reply, "my wife would smell that and think I'd been inside the local bordello."

At that point, Mr. McCain speaks up. "I wouldn't mind a splash of the aftershave, sir," says he, "as my wife doesn't know what the inside of a bordello smells like."

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.

The Mexican drops a pear on his country.

When the American asks why he says he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.

When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.

When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.

A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

R U in a Rut?

Does this describe your current relationship?

If so, spend some time with Dr. Luv......

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.

Sign Language

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

An American Carol Weekend

Give me a Shine

3 Kids Fishing

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'. Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's shoes. Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!'

The Better Bailout Plan

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

• Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
• Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads.
• Put away money for college – it’ll be there.
• Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
• Buy a new car – create jobs.
• Invest in the market – capital drives growth.
• Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves.
• Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,
Birk T. J. Birkenmeier,
A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

Bar Skilz

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Drive up ATM

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wal let and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look and finger to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Two Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife, and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 - 3 dollars!"

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

The Captain And The First Officer

It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke.

He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."

And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."

The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same."