Cheers!

To Kill an American

'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet Army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan . Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America .

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Giraffe caught in meth lab bust

The Lab Rabbit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

An editorial from the London Daily Mail (A BRITISH VIEW)

Obama's Victory

A victory for the hysterical Oprah Winfrey, the mad racist preacher Jeremiah Wright, the mainstream media who abandoned any sense of objectivity long ago, Europeans who despise America largely because they depend on her, comics who claim to be dangerous and fearless but would not dare attack genuinely powerful special interest groups. A victory for Obama-worshippers everywhere. A victory for the cult of the cult. A man who has done little with his life but has written about his achievements as if he had found the cure for cancer in between winning a marathon and building a nuclear reactor with his teeth. Victory for style over substance, hyperbole over history, rabble-raising over reality.

A victory for Hollywood, the most dysfunctional community in the world. Victory for Streisand, Spielberg, Soros and Sarandon. Victory for those who prefer welfare to will and interference to independence. For those who settle for group think and herd mentality rather than those who fight for individual initiative and the right to be out of step with meager political fashion.

Victory for a man who is no friend of freedom. He and his people have already stated that media has to be controlled so as to be balanced, without realizing the extraordinary irony within that statement. Like most liberal zealots, the Obama worshippers constantly speak of Fox and Limbaugh, when the vast bulk of television stations and newspapers are drastically liberal and anti-conservative. Senior Democrat Chuck Schumer said that just as pornography should be censored, so should talk radio. In other words, one of the few free and open means of popular expression may well be cornered and beaten by bullies who even in triumph cannot tolerate any criticism and opposition.

A victory for those who believe the state is better qualified to raise children than the family, for those who prefer teachers' unions to teaching and for those who are naively convinced that if the West is sufficiently weak towards its enemies, war and terror will dissolve as quickly as the tears on the face of a leftist celebrity.

A victory for social democracy even after most of Europe has come to the painful conclusion that social democracy leads to mediocrity, failure, unemployment, inflation, higher taxes and economic stagnation. A victory for intrusive lawyers, banal sentimentalists, social extremists and urban snobs.

Congratulations America!

Joey and the mice

Joey made a trade with a friend, and got a pair of mice and a little cage for them. He fed them some special grainy food he had bought with his allowance at the pet store. One mouse was male, and the other female. Joey's friend had told him they weren't siblings.

After a while the female gave birth, and Joey was happy. There were 8 little baby mice. Over the next few weeks they grew up and reached full size. By this time Joey had figured out how to tell the males from females, and he separated them into separate cages. The thought of mice incest made him sick, so he was very careful not to let it happen.

Now, the idea of mice incest made Joey sick, but at the same time it was strangely...compelling. Frequently he would wonder what would be the product. What type of weird, mutated offspring would be the result? What if you kept doing it, generation after generation? What would happen? Joey would often wonder about these things, but he never actually allowed it to happen.

Instead, Joey was sort of frantic keeping the males and females separated, and yet since he wanted to have more and more mice under his control, he had to have more mating going on. So he would continue buying new male mice from his friend, which he would then mate with the females. As long as he kept the males separated, and only allowed new male mice from his friend's collection to mate with his females, he could be sure there wasn't any incest going on.

Over time he had many dozens of mice, and he was spending a larger and larger portion of his allowance on new cages and food for them. Cleaning up after them was getting to be tiresome also, and he had run out of experiments to perform. The experiments had all been trying to see what the mice could learn, if they could learn to travel down a tube and come out a certain hole, or if they could learn to look for food in a certain place. After a while he didn't want to know anything more about mice, and so he decided to set them free.

He had built a special frame on his floor that served as a pen, keeping the mice inside. It was a square made from 1 inch by 6 inch pieces of wood, and the square was 6 feet on a side. He had very carefully sanded the wood so the mice couldn't get a grip and climb over it. Once inside, the mice were unable to get away.

He then decided how he was going to set the mice free. It would require some special training, and he would have to make a gadget to assist. First, he took an old boot, and cut the sole away. Then inside the boot he glued some strips of wood sideways, and put little containers on the strips that would hold the mouse food. The strips were about 1 and 1/2 inches up from the bottom of the leather sides of the boot. Where a person's leg would go into the boot he put a cardboard tube that had once held some large posters. It was about 3 inches in diameter and 4 feet long. He glued the tube into the boot, and laced the boot up. He had cut some holes into the tongue of the boot so he could put in a tube to fill the food containers. Finally he took a pair of old jeans, cut off one of the legs, and fixed it so the leg came down around the boot. From the side it looked like a person's leg, wearing a boot.

Joey put several of his mice into the pen, put some food in the containers, and then held the boot down so the mice could climb up from underneath and get at the food. He began only feeding them this way, and after a short time the mice became accustomed to eating. They could climb up onto one of the slats inside the boot, and from there nibble at the grains in one of the containers.

Joey began feeding them more and more infrequently, so they were in general more hungry than they were accustomed to. And he would have larger groups of mice in the pen at the same time. And he would move the boot around in walking motions, slowly at first, then faster as the mice got used to it. They would race and climb over each other to get to where the boot would be coming down, so they could be underneath to climb up inside the boot and get the food. Joey was impressed at how good they got at it. Eventually all the mice were trained to run underneath the boot when it was coming down, even when they weren't hungry. But they'd move especially fast when they were hungry.

Joey fasted the mice for a day, and for a mouse this is a long time to go without food, so they were pretty frantic. Then he loaded them all up into grocery bag, males and females alike, put it into the basket on his bicycle, and rode over to the train station. Just before rush hour, when a train would be coming and dumping off a huge load of passengers, Joey arrived at the station. As the train was slowing to a stop, and the doors were opening, Joey put the bag on its side on the ground, and then upended it, pouring the mice out. Then he ran out as quickly as possible, got on his bike, and rode home. He had glanced back once, and had seen his mice all running frantically towards the group of people disembarking at the station.

Joey never found out what had happened to the mice, but he suspected they didn't suffer long. He figured the people getting off the train would be worse off.

Calling in Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Mrs. Rhodes

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

The Monkey Future

Confused about the terms: Red State and Blue State ?

This is Comforting

In 4 more days, then the beginning of a new ERROR! (Last 3 errors were in order, Bush 41, BJ Clinton, Bush 43)

Here is a pic I can’t figure out......Aging Rock Star? American Idle Winner? NBA “Gangsta” wanna-be?

None of the above......It’s your boy PEBO (President Elect B.O.)




As Israel defends itself against terrorists, Islamist "pirates" roam the seas, Iran finishes up its bomb, India and Pakistan are massing against each other, Russia colludes with China, Venezuela and Cuba, and as bin Laden plans his next move, we all can agree it certainly isn't a look that inspires confidence from a supposed Commander-in-Chief.

But on the flip side (as I have always said) people like McCain, Dubya, and Gingirich are not the answer either. They need to concentrate on golfing or needlepoint and simply fade away into the sunset where they can do no further damage. With “leadership” like this, no wonder the world's tyrants feel like the planet is their Disneyland.

Young Love

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

Set Your Priorities

A True Friend

Dogs...

Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

A: Suck its dick.

Favorite Woman Parts

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."

In the Navy

As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."

A very pregnant pause

"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.

"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."

This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"

"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."

The Nun

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe....."

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.

The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."

Leprechauns

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.

The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"

"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.

The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"

"25," he says.

"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

Q: What to you say to a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing. She's already been told twice.

You Get What You Pay For

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out...

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street.

He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.

The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"