Never forget them!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Maybe it's time for...
Amendment 28
"Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives, and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States ."
"Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives, and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States ."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Few Good Reasons to Ban Guns
Courtesy of Handgun Control Inc.
Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands." Guess what? You have the wrong hands.
- Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, Detroit & Chicago cops need guns.
- Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.
- Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."
- We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
- The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.
- An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
- A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
- When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense - give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).
- The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns & Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
- One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seat belts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for internal medicine, a computer programmer for hard drive problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.
- The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created 130 years later, in 1917.
- The National Guard, federally funded, with bases on federal land, using federally-owned weapons, vehicles, buildings and uniforms, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a "state" militia.
- These phrases: "right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumerations herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people" all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.
- "The Constitution is strong and will never change." But we should ban and seize all guns thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments to that Constitution.
- Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense! Of course, the army has hundreds of thousands of them.
- Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they aren't "military weapons'', but private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles'', because they are military weapons.
- In spite of waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., guns today are too readily available, which is responsible for recent school shootings. In the 1940's, 1950's and 1960's, anyone could buy guns at hardware stores, army surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, Sears mail order, no waiting, no background check, no fingerprints, no government forms and there were no school shootings.
- The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, but the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
- Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
- A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.
- Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."
- Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
- Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.
- A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.
- Any self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."
- Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.
- The right of Internet pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
- Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self- defense only justifies bare hands.
- The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.
- Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.
- We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
- Police officers have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.
- Private citizens don't need a gun for self- protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.
- Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.
- "Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people. The police need assault weapons. You do not.
- When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.
- Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.
Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands." Guess what? You have the wrong hands.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in th e withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down t o pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant' s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in th e withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down t o pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant' s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sonoran Desert (outside Tucson, AZ)
Hey everyone out there!
We, in Arizona, know you're boycotting us -- but you really should come out here and see our Beautiful Sonoran Desert.
It's just gorgeous right now! We know you'd love it and maybe you can share what you saw with the rest of the country so they can love it too!
This is on an 'illegal super-highway' from Mexico to the USA (Tucson) used by human smugglers.
This area is located in a wash, approximately 1.5 miles long, just south of Tucson, Arizona. If a flood came, all this would be washed to the river and then onto the sea!
It is estimated over 5,000 discarded backpacks are in this wash. Countless water containers, food wrappers, clothing, feces, including thousands of soiled baby diapers. And as you can see in this picture, fresh footprints leading right into it.
As we kept walking down the wash, we thought for sure it was going to end, but around every corner was more and more trash!
And of course the trail leading out of the wash in our city, heads directly NORTH to Tucson, then leads to your town tomorrow.
They've already come through here. Isn't Arizona just beautiful, America?
Why would you boycott us???
Our desert has basically been turned into a landfill.
The trash left behind by people illegally crossing our border is another Environmental Disaster to hit the USA.
"It's not about Right vs Left, Liberal vs. Conservative, Republican vs. Democrat. It's about supporting the US Constitution"
We, in Arizona, know you're boycotting us -- but you really should come out here and see our Beautiful Sonoran Desert.
It's just gorgeous right now! We know you'd love it and maybe you can share what you saw with the rest of the country so they can love it too!
This is on an 'illegal super-highway' from Mexico to the USA (Tucson) used by human smugglers.
This area is located in a wash, approximately 1.5 miles long, just south of Tucson, Arizona. If a flood came, all this would be washed to the river and then onto the sea!
It is estimated over 5,000 discarded backpacks are in this wash. Countless water containers, food wrappers, clothing, feces, including thousands of soiled baby diapers. And as you can see in this picture, fresh footprints leading right into it.
As we kept walking down the wash, we thought for sure it was going to end, but around every corner was more and more trash!
And of course the trail leading out of the wash in our city, heads directly NORTH to Tucson, then leads to your town tomorrow.
They've already come through here. Isn't Arizona just beautiful, America?
Why would you boycott us???
Our desert has basically been turned into a landfill.
The trash left behind by people illegally crossing our border is another Environmental Disaster to hit the USA.
"It's not about Right vs Left, Liberal vs. Conservative, Republican vs. Democrat. It's about supporting the US Constitution"
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Mayhym Continues...
A woman came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With a strength borne of fury, she hauled her husband down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard. She then forced his penis into the vise, clamped it down harshly, and removed the handle.
When the husband saw her pick up the hack saw, he fearfully (and tearfully) asked, "You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife handed the husband the hacksaw, picked up the vise handle and calmly walked to the door. She then turned and said, "No, dear. I am going to burn the shed down. You do what you have to do."
When the husband saw her pick up the hack saw, he fearfully (and tearfully) asked, "You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife handed the husband the hacksaw, picked up the vise handle and calmly walked to the door. She then turned and said, "No, dear. I am going to burn the shed down. You do what you have to do."
Friday, May 21, 2010
The 3-minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about! the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but t! he flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and! rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed! with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
This ends the 3-minute management course.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about! the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but t! he flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and! rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed! with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
- Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
- Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
- And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
B-B-Q by S&W
Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention......
I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards.... then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you....
I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Arizona!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Truths For Mature Humans
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Two Nuns
Two nuns, recently leaving the convent for the first time in years, decide to start a street ministry in New York City.
They find a homeless shelter and begin teaching the Good Word to everyone who enters. The bums take it all in good humor; hey if it means a meal, they'll deal with it.
The sisters had just been in town for about a week, starting to settle in and enjoying their work. Some of the bums responded to their teachings and began attending Mass at St. Patrick's in Manhattan or other close by Christian churches. The nuns were happy and feeling fulfilled.
On their first day off, they decide to go sight seeing. While out and about, they get turned around and end up lost, in a not too pretty neighborhood.
Suddenly, two thugs jump from the shadows of an alley and grab the sisters. The ruffians drag the nuns into the dark alley and begin to assault them. They begin to rape the poor nuns.
The first nun begins to pray, "Lord forgive him, he knows not what he does."
The second nun, after a moment, replies "Mine does!"
They find a homeless shelter and begin teaching the Good Word to everyone who enters. The bums take it all in good humor; hey if it means a meal, they'll deal with it.
The sisters had just been in town for about a week, starting to settle in and enjoying their work. Some of the bums responded to their teachings and began attending Mass at St. Patrick's in Manhattan or other close by Christian churches. The nuns were happy and feeling fulfilled.
On their first day off, they decide to go sight seeing. While out and about, they get turned around and end up lost, in a not too pretty neighborhood.
Suddenly, two thugs jump from the shadows of an alley and grab the sisters. The ruffians drag the nuns into the dark alley and begin to assault them. They begin to rape the poor nuns.
The first nun begins to pray, "Lord forgive him, he knows not what he does."
The second nun, after a moment, replies "Mine does!"
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wrong Number?
It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television (in the hopes that I would be entertained) when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Arizona.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence. I had a live one.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with." (I've seen Fletch several times).
"I know that! I mean... who is she?" (She must have seen Fletch, too... Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever...)
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she's VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
"BECKY?!?!?!"
"*click*"
"Hello?"
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Arizona.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence. I had a live one.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with." (I've seen Fletch several times).
"I know that! I mean... who is she?" (She must have seen Fletch, too... Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever...)
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she's VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
"BECKY?!?!?!"
"*click*"
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Ladies Day
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
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Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!
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Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."
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Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
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I heard a joke that's so funny you'll laugh your breasts right off.
Oh...You've already heard it. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Browsing through the latest issue of Life magazine, I was caught by a story about chickens, which have yellow eyes, being fitted with red contact lenses, which "make then eat less, lay more, and stop henpecking." That's what it said. What Bob Anderson says is that, "once word of this gets around, rose-colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives."
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Q: How do girls get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks
A: Who cares?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard a joke that's so funny you'll laugh your breasts right off.
Oh...You've already heard it. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Browsing through the latest issue of Life magazine, I was caught by a story about chickens, which have yellow eyes, being fitted with red contact lenses, which "make then eat less, lay more, and stop henpecking." That's what it said. What Bob Anderson says is that, "once word of this gets around, rose-colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do girls get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Math Proficiency
PHOENIX ARIZONA HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________
Gang: _____________________________
Name: _____________________________
Gang: _____________________________
- Jesus has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
- Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
- Alex is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Alex can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
- Juan wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
- Enrique gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
- Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
- If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
- Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Long Antlers
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Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers
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' It's a guy thing, regardless of species. 'Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Spies
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now... Speak Spanish
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now... Speak Spanish
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Fair Trade Practices
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Recent discovery of a major global warming source!!
AP: Scientists have now localized what may be the world’s largest source of greenhouse gas emissions; believed to contribute to more than 98.9% of all global warming metrics, stopping this one source would alleviate any concern for any further climate change.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Doctors vs. Gun Owners
Doctors
Guns
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!
Please remain aware of these alarming facts the firearm prohibitionists don't want you to know.
- The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
- Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
- Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Guns
- The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
- The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
- The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
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Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!
Please remain aware of these alarming facts the firearm prohibitionists don't want you to know.
Monday, May 3, 2010
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