Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The 12 Inch Pianist
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?" The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?" and the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks." The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks." And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?" The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?" and the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks." The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks." And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Terrorist Threat
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, in retaliation for the ongoing hostilities in Iraq, warned that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off supplies of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps.
In another news release from Omar: Rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house later today.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps.
In another news release from Omar: Rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house later today.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The difference between Joe and Jose
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has “NO” Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 per hour cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $000 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to buy lottery tickets and drink tequila with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school.
Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have a free taxpayer sponsored after school ESL program.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
DO YOU GET IT, NOW?
If you vote for or support “any” politician that supports illegal aliens... You are part of the problem!
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has “NO” Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 per hour cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $000 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to buy lottery tickets and drink tequila with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school.
Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have a free taxpayer sponsored after school ESL program.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
DO YOU GET IT, NOW?
If you vote for or support “any” politician that supports illegal aliens... You are part of the problem!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lesson In Political Science
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
THE LUCRATIVE BUSINESS OF RACISM
This latest imbroglio about Rush Limbaugh being ineligible to buy an NFL franchise, because of a couple of alleged racial comments he made over the span of his many decades on the radio, stands out as one of the phoniest canards ever foisted upon the American public.
The irony behind the spurious charge is that they come from two of the most incendiary provocateurs in the race-baiting business. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who give themselves the ludicrous title of Reverend, have the unmitigated gall to proclaim that Limbaugh is a polarizing figure in the country.
You have to understand that if these guys didn't have the skin-pigmentation crutch to lean on, they'd undoubtedly be unemployed. As long as they can keep racism alive, these flimflam artists will not only continue to stuff cash into their larcenous coffers, but they'll be virtually impervious to allegations of corruption, since every genuine charge will be met by an apocryphal countercharge of racism.
If either Sharpton or Jackson had enough money to buy a sports franchise, does anyone believe they would be denied the purchase because of the multitude of racist statements and actions they've engaged in during their entire adult life? I can just imagine the crybabies screeching over the airwaves about the attempt by whites to keep blacks down.
The irony behind the spurious charge is that they come from two of the most incendiary provocateurs in the race-baiting business. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who give themselves the ludicrous title of Reverend, have the unmitigated gall to proclaim that Limbaugh is a polarizing figure in the country.
You have to understand that if these guys didn't have the skin-pigmentation crutch to lean on, they'd undoubtedly be unemployed. As long as they can keep racism alive, these flimflam artists will not only continue to stuff cash into their larcenous coffers, but they'll be virtually impervious to allegations of corruption, since every genuine charge will be met by an apocryphal countercharge of racism.
If either Sharpton or Jackson had enough money to buy a sports franchise, does anyone believe they would be denied the purchase because of the multitude of racist statements and actions they've engaged in during their entire adult life? I can just imagine the crybabies screeching over the airwaves about the attempt by whites to keep blacks down.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER CHURCH BULLETINS, Summer 2009
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
How to be a Good Republican
I found this on a left-wing blog. I took their test and answered "yes" to two of their questions. I guess I'm not really a good Republican.
HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN
1. You have to believe that the nation's current fiscal disaster is due eight months of Obama and not eight years of Bush.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to believe that assault weapons and handguns are intended for purposes other than killing people.
6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor (or that your own household can, for that matter)
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to be that black people who do not succeed "just don't work hard enough," but that white people who don't succeed are discriminated against
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe that philanderers and adulterers make the best representatives of your party to pontificate on moral matters.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bailout.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
19. You have to reject the notion of government-run healthcare of any kind, but expect folks to pry Medicare from you cold, dead fingers.
20. You have to be willing to associate with every tin-foil hat-wearing, anti-abolitionist, pro-militia, Third Reich nut job in the country just to reach a quorum at your own meetings.
21. You have to be more outraged by Bill Clinton staining Monica's dress that you are by George Bush staining this country's world reputation.
22. You have to be willing to realize that all those Constitutional rights that you blithely discarded during the last administration might well have protected you when the current administration comes after you for your crimes.
23. You have to believe that Halliburton and its ilk perform a vital service to this country.
24. You have to believe that artificial limbs and massive lifetime healthcare for our deserving veterans is going to magically pay for itself.
25. You have to believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, despite eight years of documentation to the contrary.
It should be noted that a good Republican may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before surfing to another page.
A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this list that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more conservatives just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN
1. You have to believe that the nation's current fiscal disaster is due eight months of Obama and not eight years of Bush.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to believe that assault weapons and handguns are intended for purposes other than killing people.
6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor (or that your own household can, for that matter)
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to be that black people who do not succeed "just don't work hard enough," but that white people who don't succeed are discriminated against
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe that philanderers and adulterers make the best representatives of your party to pontificate on moral matters.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bailout.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
19. You have to reject the notion of government-run healthcare of any kind, but expect folks to pry Medicare from you cold, dead fingers.
20. You have to be willing to associate with every tin-foil hat-wearing, anti-abolitionist, pro-militia, Third Reich nut job in the country just to reach a quorum at your own meetings.
21. You have to be more outraged by Bill Clinton staining Monica's dress that you are by George Bush staining this country's world reputation.
22. You have to be willing to realize that all those Constitutional rights that you blithely discarded during the last administration might well have protected you when the current administration comes after you for your crimes.
23. You have to believe that Halliburton and its ilk perform a vital service to this country.
24. You have to believe that artificial limbs and massive lifetime healthcare for our deserving veterans is going to magically pay for itself.
25. You have to believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, despite eight years of documentation to the contrary.
It should be noted that a good Republican may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before surfing to another page.
A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this list that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more conservatives just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Fire
In South Los Angeles , a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, Hussein Obama and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims, and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple, who lived on the top floor, lived.
The fire chief said, "They were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, Hussein Obama and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims, and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple, who lived on the top floor, lived.
The fire chief said, "They were both at work."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
How do 'YOU' pronounce Oklahoma ?
How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ?
Do you think it's correct?
There is a right way...
...and a wrong way to pronounce
Oklahoma
The proper way is:
OKLA...HOMA
(There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h')
There, you learned something today!
I do love these educational blog posts....
Don't you?
Do you think it's correct?
There is a right way...
...and a wrong way to pronounce
Oklahoma
The proper way is:
OKLA...HOMA
(There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h')
And I can prove it.................
There, you learned something today!
I do love these educational blog posts....
Don't you?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Batman Gets Held Up By U.S. Immigration
Hilarious, short conversation held between a U.S. Immigration Officer at Miami International Airport and an incoming passenger, Batman.
Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger : Batman.
Immigration Officer: What’s your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.
Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What’s your surname?
Passenger: Superman.
Immigration Officer: So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?
Passenger: Yes.
Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey, arrest this guy…
…SEE PICTURE BELOW.
Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger : Batman.
Immigration Officer: What’s your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.
Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What’s your surname?
Passenger: Superman.
Immigration Officer: So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?
Passenger: Yes.
Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey, arrest this guy…
…SEE PICTURE BELOW.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
How "NOT" to Plant a Roadside Bomb
Dammit Aachhmed!! I told you not to wiggle it too much!!
The attached video of thermal footage was recorded from an AC-130 gunship from a mile or more away. No rounds were fired by the aircraft. The problem solved itself with no American intervention.
Some jihadists were trying to bury an IED made from a 155 mm artillery shell. Evidently they lost the instruction manual!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Disturbing Wildlife Trend
Formerly self-sufficient animals are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care ...
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