Patriot Parade

Kay and her Mum.

QUICK HISTORICAL FACT

Interesting piece of history relating to the condom:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Let's Be More Tolerant

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

A man in Arizona looking to join the Maricopa County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least -- If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

It isn't Funny Anymore.

The Real Father

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks.

“It's worth a try.” he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you're not going to believe this.”

“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”

“You gave birth to a child!”

“But that's impossible!” says the priest.

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it's a miracle! Here's your baby.”

About fifteen years go by and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you're not my father?”

The priest replies, “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father!!!”

LITTLE FIRE-FIGHTER

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Be Careful What You Ask For

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.