Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
LESBIANS
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A CUPBOARD FULL OF LESBIANS?
A: A LICKER CABINET.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ESKIMO LESBIAN?
A: A KLONDYKE.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 LESBIANS WITH GUNS?
A: MILITIA ETHRIDGE.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 LESBIANS IN A CANOE?
A: FUR TRADERS.
Q: WHAT IS A LESBIAN DINOSAUR CALLED?
A: A LICKALOTAPUSS.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN WITH LONG FINGERS?
A: WELL HUNG.
Q: WHAT DO TWO LESBIANS DO WHEN THEY ARE HAVING THEIR PERIODS?
A: FINGERPAINT. (EEEWWWWW)
Q: WHAT DO LESBIANS CALL AN OPEN CAN OF TUNA?
A: POTPOURRI.
Q: WHAT DID THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO HER PARTNER?
A: SEE YOU NEXT PERIOD.
Q: DID YOU HEAR THAT ELLEN DEGENERES DROWNED?
A: SHE WAS FOUND FACE DOWN IN RICKI LAKE.
Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL A TOUGH LESBIAN BAR?
A: EVEN THE POOL TABLE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS.
Q: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAG IS?
A: IT'S WHEN A MAN WEARS EVERYTHING A LESBIAN WON'T.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL LESBIAN TWINS?
A: LICK-A-LIKES.
Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A LESBIAN IS BUTCH?
A: SHE KICK-STARTS HER VIBRATOR AND ROLLS HER OWN TAMPONS.
Q: WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF CONFUSION?
A: TWENTY BLIND LESBIANS IN A FISH MARKET.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RITZ CRACKER AND A LESBIAN?
A: ONE'S A SNACK CRACKER, THE OTHER A CRACK SNACKER!
A: A LICKER CABINET.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ESKIMO LESBIAN?
A: A KLONDYKE.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 LESBIANS WITH GUNS?
A: MILITIA ETHRIDGE.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 LESBIANS IN A CANOE?
A: FUR TRADERS.
Q: WHAT IS A LESBIAN DINOSAUR CALLED?
A: A LICKALOTAPUSS.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN WITH LONG FINGERS?
A: WELL HUNG.
Q: WHAT DO TWO LESBIANS DO WHEN THEY ARE HAVING THEIR PERIODS?
A: FINGERPAINT. (EEEWWWWW)
Q: WHAT DO LESBIANS CALL AN OPEN CAN OF TUNA?
A: POTPOURRI.
Q: WHAT DID THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO HER PARTNER?
A: SEE YOU NEXT PERIOD.
Q: DID YOU HEAR THAT ELLEN DEGENERES DROWNED?
A: SHE WAS FOUND FACE DOWN IN RICKI LAKE.
Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL A TOUGH LESBIAN BAR?
A: EVEN THE POOL TABLE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS.
Q: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAG IS?
A: IT'S WHEN A MAN WEARS EVERYTHING A LESBIAN WON'T.
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL LESBIAN TWINS?
A: LICK-A-LIKES.
Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A LESBIAN IS BUTCH?
A: SHE KICK-STARTS HER VIBRATOR AND ROLLS HER OWN TAMPONS.
Q: WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF CONFUSION?
A: TWENTY BLIND LESBIANS IN A FISH MARKET.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RITZ CRACKER AND A LESBIAN?
A: ONE'S A SNACK CRACKER, THE OTHER A CRACK SNACKER!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A Shovel Ready Project We Can All Get Behind!
Q: Think Ted Kennedy will meet up with his drowned mistress in heaven?
A: Only if he can get a day pass to visit heaven.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
7 Blunders of the World
- Wealth without work
- Pleasure without conscience
- Knowledge without character
- Commerce without morality
- Science without humanity
- Worship without sacrifice
- Politics without principle
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Pledge Of Allegiance
In Ebonics:
Ah done pledges allegiance
to da Flag
o' da United States
o' America
an' ta da Republic
fo' which it stands,
one Nation, Beneaf God,
indimuhvisible,
wiff liberty an'
justice fo' all.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
This works with grandchildren, nieces, nephews as well as that annoying little shithead who lives next door.
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
This works with grandchildren, nieces, nephews as well as that annoying little shithead who lives next door.
Monday, August 10, 2009
ATTENTION: ALL BORDER PATROL AGENTS
"Be on the lookout for a `51 Chevy. Red with White top thought to be transporting illegal aliens"
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Weird
DID YOU KNOW...
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
And that eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, ate.
And, have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out, "F*ck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c*cksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f*cking, smelly rag head b*stards with you."
How weird is that?
New .45ACP
A .45 makes a big hole. I can just imagine how the conversation went:
"Dude! Check out my new .45 it has a really great trigger pull" .............................Bang!!!!........... "AAAWWWW SHIT!".........."OUCH!
"Dude! Check out my new .45 it has a really great trigger pull" .............................Bang!!!!........... "AAAWWWW SHIT!".........."OUCH!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
90 vs. 103 Years Old
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has got so bad ..once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has got so bad ..once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon'
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon'
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