Worried About My Reputation

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives In Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and Selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: One is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this..... I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who Supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

The GWB Libary

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages.

The Library will include:

• The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.
• The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
• The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
• The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
• The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
• The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
• The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
• The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.
• The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
• The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
• The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
• The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
• The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.
• The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
• The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1,000 or 3 Euros

Racism

by Mark Putnam

It was a progressive town, so naturally it had laws against racism. It also had laws against sneering, chastising, or holding one's nose at an angle greater than forty-five degrees.

The entire town was still sleeping, collectively hung over from a night of weaving community-use hemp rope and individually sneaking out back with their matches and Zippos to determine if it was really true what they said about organic, holistically grown hemp stock. Unfortunately it was not true, so most everyone decided to get drunk instead.

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Leftard Defeat'O'Cratic Anger

The Missing Dollar

3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5.

On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man a $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.

This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27, and the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.

Where is the other dollar?

PICKETS TO TITTSBURGH

Two guys are on a business trip to Pittsburgh. One of the guys decides to go get the tickets at the airport. He walks up to the attendant and says, "Can I get two pickets to Tittsburgh?" After blushing severely, he apologizes for the slip-up and she gives him the tickets.

He goes back over to his buddy and says, "Man, I just asked that lady if I could get two pickets to Tittsburgh."

His buddy looks over and sees that the lady is well-endowed.

He says, "Oh that's called a Freudian slip...That's when you're brain and your tongue get jumbled-up and you say something pretty embarrassing. It happened to me just the other night at the dinner table with my wife. I wanted to say, 'Would you please pass the butter?' and what I wound up saying was, "You whore, you've ruined my life."

More Problems to Ponder

Think about this one:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.

Problem Solving

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems.

Try this win-win solution:

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Body Basics

The following are the steps that should be taken to prepare a body for shipment:

1. Thoroughly cleanse and embalm the remains.
2. Pack all external orifices.
3. Place the remains in a plastic garment (pants, coveralls, or unionalls).
4. Partially dress the remains using underclothing, pajamas, or a hospital gown, and envelop in a clean sheet;
5. When shipping by common carrier place the shrouded body on a sheet of plastic which can envelop the body.
6. Do *not* place one hand over another, as this might not be the desired position.
7. When shipping casketed remains, place a very heavy layer of cotton around the head and face to protect the casket and clothing from any purge; be certain to turn the pillow over for shipping to prevent soilage from purge or cosmetics.
8. Secure the body on a cot if shipping within the container; if casketed, place the bed of the casket in the lowest position and move the feet to the furthest end; secure the head end so the body will not slide.
9. Document the condition of the body prior to, during, and after embalming. Send a copy of the embalming report with the remains.
10. Notify the receiving funeral director of any unusual conditions (e.g., trauma, obesity, edema).

Freedom

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty reads...

"Give me your tired, your poor.
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Not this...

"Give me your criminals, your free loaders.
Your unwilling law breaking jackasses who don't value the freedom I offer enough to become citizens.
Send me people who disregard what I stand for and break the laws of the nation I represent.
Send these ungrateful, freeloading, criminals.
I lift the lamp of amnesty and open borders, because there apparently is no door (or fence for that matter)."

If you don't like it just stay the hell away.

Thank you for Shopping at Wal-Mart

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

A Letter of Apology

I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth; it was in the defense of Muslims ( Bosnia , Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait , etc.)

I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the extremists came after 9/11.

I am sorry that all of the murderers on 9/11 were Islamic Arabs.

I am sorry that most Arabs and Muslims have to live in squalor under savage dictatorships.

I am sorry that their leaders squander their wealth.

I am sorry that their governments breed hate for the US in their religious schools, mosques, and government-controlled media.

I am sorry that Yasser Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high-jacked the Palestinian 'cause.'

I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians.

I am sorry that the U. S. A. has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA for all their problems.

I am sorry that our own left wing, our media, and our own brainwashed liberal masses do not understand any of this (from the misleading vocal elements of our society like radical liberal professors, CNN and the NY TIMES).

I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the 'food for oil' money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered.

I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death

I am sorry that those same bombers are brainwashed thinking they will receive 72 virgins in 'paradise.'

I am sorry that the homicide bombers think pregnant women, babies, children, the elderly and other noncombatant civilians are legitimate targets.

I am sorry that our troops die to free more Arabs from the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents of their own making.

I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group.

I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state.

I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah.

I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a convenient 'Holy Site.'

I am sorry they didn't apologize for driving a jet into the World Trade Center that collapsed and severely damaged Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church - one of our Holy Sites.

I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, the murders and beheadings of Nick Berg and Daniel Pearl, etc....etc!

I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa .

America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do.

I am sorry the Barack Hussein Obama may be elected president of the United States when he doesn't have a clue on how to be a strong Commander-in-chief in a world filled with Muslim extremists who will do whatever it needs to do to destroy the lives of civilized people while killing innocent men, women and children in order to bring a change that is beneficial to all Islamic terrorists worldwide.

I am sorry that voters on the liberal left don't understand the frightening changes that are taking place in the Muslim world and what these changes will do to this world in which we live.

I am sorry that the Democratic Party has been highjacked by Socialists and Communists right under the very noses of those who take pride in calling themselves democrats.

We hang out our dirty laundry for the entire world to see. We move on. That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology.

Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners. Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated?

Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujahans.

If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait! You have a better chance of finding those seventy-two virgins.

Farty People

A lot of people say that farty people are disgusting, they make their eyes bleed, they smell bad, and they shouldn't be allowed to vote. But they're just wrong. I mean, farty people aren't disgusting; excess farting is probably pretty attractive in some people's eyes. And contrary to science, farty people DO NOT cause eye bleeding. The real source is due to intentional eye gouging with the closest sharp object when smelling a farting person. And farty people don't smell. It's the bacteria trapped in the bowls that smell bad. And farty people should have the right to vote - there's no doubt about that. Sure, you might wonder how good someone who cannot take care of their own health could cast an intelligent vote, but they might guess and get it right... you never know.

Terrorist Fist Jab

FEMINISM

Castrate Obama! Oh My!

Rev. Jesse Jackson Caught Bad-Mouthing Obama

CHICAGO (CBS) ― The Rev. Jesse Jackson is apologizing for disparaging remarks he made about Barack Obama's relationship with African American church-goers, caught on camera during a break in a Fox News interview.

Jackson, during a break in a Fox News interview, made a very crude statement regarding Obama's relationship with African Americans after the presidential candidate made several speeches on morality at black churches.

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Pompous Bitch

My ex-wife and I were out to dinner with a group of friends and we'd gone to the country club.

She had ordered fish, and when the waiter brought our meals he set her food down in front of her and announced "Voila!"

She turned to me and muttered snarkily, "'Voila'...how pretentious can you get?"

The waiter, unfortunately for her, overheard her and to her embarrassment clarified that he had actually said, "Walleye," since that was what she had ordered.

Yes, she was an idiot.

The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I 'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

• Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
• Hillary got $8 million for hers.
• That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Last Weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Frances. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Fran what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ears nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my ears!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

You're NOT having a bad day...

...these people had bad days:

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

On 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record. His sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been turned off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards an electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly electrical current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

AND THE WINNER IS.......

An Iraqi terrorist (certifiable idiot), Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the resulting explosion.

See, I told you that you weren't having a bad day.

The GWB Libary

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages.

The Library will include:

• The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.
• The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
• The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
• The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
• The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
• The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
• The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
• The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.
• The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
• The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
• The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
• The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
• The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.
• The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
• The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1,000 or 3 Euros

TWO GOOD ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS --- GOOD AND DEAD !

Grand Jury Clears Texas Man Who Fatally Shot Burglars
09:32 PM CDT on Monday, June 30, 2008
The Associated Press

HOUSTON – A suburban Houston homeowner was cleared by a grand jury Monday for fatally shooting two men burglarizing his neighbor's home.

Joe Horn, 62, shot the men in November after he saw them crawling out the windows of a neighbor's house in the Houston suburb of Pasadena, carrying bags of the neighbor's possessions.

Mr. Horn, a retired grandfather, called 911 and told the dispatcher he had a shotgun and was going to kill them. The dispatcher pleaded with him not to go outside, but Mr. Horn confronted the men with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot both in the back.

"The message we're trying to send today is the criminal-justice system works," Harris County District Attorney Kenneth Magidson said.

Mr. Horn's attorney, Tom Lambright, said his client was relieved by the grand jury's decision and never wanted to hurt anyone.

"He wasn't trying to take matters into his own hands," Lambright said. "He was scared. He was not playing cowboy."

Mr. Horn did not speak with reporters Monday.

A large, red no-trespassing sign blocked the path to his front door, and a handwritten sign on the door said "Please no media," "No Trespassing" and "Do not knock or ring bell." A couple of neighbors also had signs on their doors asking media to leave them alone.

A few police cars patrolled the area near Mr. Horn's home.

Mr. Lambright reiterated that Mr. Horn believed the two men had broken into his neighbor's home and that he shot them out of fear for his life when they came into his yard and threatened him.

"He wasn't acting like a vigilante," Mr. Lambright said. "He was well within his rights to do what he was doing."

The two suspected burglars, Hernando Riascos Torres, 38, and Diego Ortiz, 30, were unemployed illegal immigrants from Colombia. Mr. Torres was deported to Colombia in 1999 after a 1994 cocaine-related conviction.

The incident touched off protests from civil-rights activists who said the shooting was racially motivated and that Mr. Horn took the law into his own hands. Mr. Horn's supporters defended his actions, saying he was protecting himself and being a good neighbor to a homeowner who was out of town.

"I understand the concerns of some in the community regarding Mr. Horn's conduct," Mr. Magidson said. "The use of deadly force is carefully limited in Texas law to certain circumstances. ... In this case, however, the grand jury concluded that Mr. Horn's use of deadly force did not rise to a criminal offense."

Texas law allows people to use deadly force to protect themselves if it is reasonable to believe they are in mortal danger. In limited circumstances, people also can use deadly force to protect their neighbor's property.

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