Fry Day

COULD NOT BE ANY SIMPLER THAN THAT

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked, and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too, so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

How not to kill a Gerbil

This story copied verbatim from BACON BABBLE

Looking back, lighting the lighter was probably not a good idea. But we were only trying to get the little Gerbil out of my hole. I was rushed to the hospital by paramedics who were called by a friend of mine who was there with me. (It brings to mind the phrase “A friend is one who warns you from danger, a true friend is right there beside you through it all, yelling, FUCK YEA, THIS IS AWESOME!!”) That was my buddy. (Yes drinking was involved. However I am just rambling now. I need to stay on subject.)

So I was admitted to the hospital for 3 degree burns to my rectum and its inner walls. I know you might be wondering “how the hell?” Let me start with this. So my dad dropped me a lot as a child. I am not using that as an excuse, just an option for blame for my actions. My buddy came over, we had a few drinks, (I forgot exactly how many after the jello shots) Anyway, somehow we joked about the little Gerbil my roommate has. He had been out of food for about two days. We gave him some jello shots, (again seemed like a good idea at the time) it didn’t like it.. Then we joked about what do Gerbils like? Somehow the word “shit” came up. Next thing I know we are looking for some sort of tube and playing paper, rock, scissors to see who was the guy who got to feed the little fella.

After searching the house, the only thing we could find to use as a tube that was large enough for the little guy to travel down and still fit up my ass (yea, I lost at paper, rock, scissors. I think that game is rigged. Damn scissors never beat anything!) Anyway, focus! O.k. so where was I? Oh yea, the only thing we could find to use was a old wooden splintery 1.5 inch in diameter 10 inch tube that my roommate used for the little guy to hide in, while in his cage. Now it had splinters and stunk like Gerbil piss. So we sanded it, and soaked it in alchohal to kill any germs it might have. (You can’t be to careful when it comes to fucking your own ass with a long wooden tube)

We then looked for some sort of liquid, or lube to grease the tube. I want it to slide in with ease. Again I am sure alcohol played a part in our decision. We thought at the time that the 10W 30 weight motor oil, that was sitting by the front door, so my roommate would remember to put it in her car, was a good idea. It worked really well at first. I am bent over, trying not to laugh, (when I laugh it makes my stomach muscles tighten and thus pushing all the “Gerbil food” out of my ass. My buddy kept pushing and pushing. So I yelled “HEY FUCKER! Save some so you have something to grab when you pull it out!” He was laughing so hard and falling all over that he couldn’t catch the Gerbil. After a few moments he got the little guy. He looked at him, and said “its dinner time buddy, and daddy’s got all you can eat!” He set the Gerbil on the edge of the tube and it took off! I didn’t feel anything for a few moments. (Other than my buddy slapping my ass, yelling “who’s the bitch now!!”) While laughing so hard he was crying.

Just then my roommate came home. She looked at us and just rolled her eyes and walked upstairs saying, “I don’t even want to know!” Haha, she made it about halfway up the stairs when we heard her stop, and start running back down stairs. (I think she didn’t fully take in what she saw until that point. Something like that has to be absorbed, not just glanced at.) She came running over to her Gerbil cage, she screamed “WHERE THE FUCK IS FIGHTO’!! (yea the gerbil’s name was fighto’) then she saw about four inches of the tube sticking out of my ass and she started slapping my ass too. Screaming, “GET HIM OUT!! YOU’LL KILL HIM!” That’s when my buddy came to my defense and said, “no people do this all the time, the Gerbils love it.” She turned her slapping focus from my ass, to his face.

We agreed that it was probably a good idea to get him out now. My buddy tried to put his fingers up the tube to get him, but nothing. My roommate went to get a flashlight, but she couldn’t find one. Just then I felt a weird tingling sensation. I got kinda scared, not because it hurt, or because I thought anything bad was going to happen, but because I had never felt that before, and I was nervous about if it would eventually hurt. I started to panic a bit and yelled for them to hurry up. My buddy panicked when he saw me panic. He grabbed the lighter on the coffee table and yelled “I’ve got an idea!” To be honest that is the last thing I remember for a bit.

However the story was told to me like this…

When he lit it, he couldn’t see anything. So he held it closer to the tube. He says it was only when my roommate screamed “NOOOO!!!” that he jumped and a flash of fire went off, and lit the tube soaked in alcohol and motor oil. Like any good friend, he forgets that the Gerbil is still inside me, and he tries to pull the firestick out of ass, but when he went to go grab it, a flaming fireball shoots out of the tube and runs about 10 feet hits the wall and flips around for a second before his fire death would set in. He then turned to me, and I guess I was holding my ass jumping up and down, (he says I pulled the tube out of my own ass) just then he grabbed a cup of water that was sitting on the counter and he threw it on me. Unfortnatly the slippery floor, with the fact I was drunker than college kid on Friday night and the fact that my pants were still around my ankles. I slipped and fell. Hitting my head on a dining room chair knocking me out cold. He said he continuted to poor water on my ass until paramedics arrived while fighting off my roommate who was hitting us both with a broom handle. Screaming “YOU KILLED HIM, YOU KILLED HIM, YOU STUPID FUCKERS KILLED HIM!” why do women repeat themselves so much? Anyway, I’m getting off subject again. So looking back on it all, I can think of only three mistakes that were made..

1. Trying to help a roommates Gerbil find food. I just have such a good heart, it’s hard not to help.

2. Allowing my buddy to be the person on the other end of this tube. He is the best friend you could ever ask for, but he really isn’t the known for his intelligence.

3. Lastly, Jello Shots. Anyone who has had them, knows what I’m talking about. Anyone who hasn’t, would never understand.

Omlets Anyone?

Michael Jackson Tribute Page

Question: What's the difference between Farrah Fawcet and Micheal Jackson?
Answer: About 3 hours and 15 minutes.

Farrah Fawcett got to heaven and God asked "What is your last wish for the people of Earth?"
Farrah said "I want to save the children." and Michael Jackson died.

Michael Jackson went to heaven and he was black again so he asked God to make him white again...... HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXYCLEAN!!!!

Putting It All Together; God decided Farrah Fawcett has suffered enough and called her home. God asked her what she wanted, She said for all the children on earth to be safe. Then Micheal Jackson appeared. God asked Michael what he wanted. Michael said can you make me whiter than I already am? Then Billy Mays showed up with a container of Oxy Clean. God asked Billy what he wanted. Billy said he wanted to know why he was even there? Then Walter Cronkite apppeared and said ' That's the way it is!"

Question: How do you know when it's bedtime in the Jackson house?
Answer: When the big hand touches the little hand.

MJ's ghost has been sighted at a children's hospital, it seems he will continue to put the willies up little children

On June the 25th, there was a massive panic amongst the world. Micheal Joseph Jackson was dead. When actually he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.

They served caviar at MJ's funeral in memory of him beause it too comes on little white crackers.

What was Michael Jackson's favorite ride? The little zipper.

Question: What is Michael Jackson doing in heaven?
Answer: Baby sitting for John Travolta!

Question: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the greyhounds?
Answer: The greyhounds wait for the hare to come out.

When Farrah Faucet died her guardian angel came to her and told her, "I will give you one final wish before you pass on." Farrah Faucet wished that all the children on the earth would be safe. A short time later Michael Jackson died.

Question: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Answer: Acne doesn't come on your face until your 13!

Question: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney movies?
Answer: Disney movies can still touch children.

Question: What does Michael Jackson have in common with Santa Claus?
Answer: They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

Micheal Jackson died of a broken heart when he found out BOYS TO MEN was a band and not a delivery service.

****NEWS FLASH*** Garry Glitter makes record bid for Michael Jacksons computer!!

Michael Jackson lived the American dream. He was born a poor black boy and grew up to die as a rich white woman.

Just for Laughs...

Q: Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..


Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass. He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."


A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

Vegans vs. Carnivores

And that's how the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ...

He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........

Health Care Scare

The Doctor is in...

A Hole Behind

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?

She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

A Harley Rider

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Army soldier and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads on the front page:

"U.S. ARMY SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

Who's Your Friend?

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

Super Soft

Coming soon to a shitter near you!

Pot of Gold

Purchasing vs. Leasing

Purchasing:

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship
it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather.

Leasing:

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!


This is Kristen.

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million in total, for an hour of sex everynight for 5 years; a $41.7 million savings.

Value-added benefits are:
a 22 year old hot babe
no begging
no coaxing
never a headache
happily agrees to all requests
no bitching and complaining
no honey-do lists

Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked.

All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.

Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Service Vets over 60 years old.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some idiot that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .. ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol ... we will have it secured the first night !


Most of us old guys have been downsized or packaged out and out of work (politely retired) and could use a job, especially one with health, drug, eyewear, and dental attached to it...for FREE!

We also will get three meals a day, 4 if you are in the Navy and at sea...for FREE!

We also get FREE clothes, FREE living accomodations, FREE travel.

They will even do your taxes for FREE!!!

When I Arrive at the Pearly Gates

When I arrive at the Pearly Gates, I'll have some questions. For starters, are Pearly Gates really enough to keep out the bad guys? I mean, these people orchestrate heists and campaign for office.

There will be other questions, to be sure. Would you know I've been writing a list...

Why are there "no shoplifting" signs? Are there places where it's okay?

How come psychics never win the lottery?

Why not one long month with 365 days?

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come we have so much useless crap?

How can Santa Claus get old but never die?

What is the Universe expanding onto?

Why is there boxing at the Goodwill Games?

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk?

When people go to the bathroom, why do they say they'll be right back? Do they ever stay?

Where do Hawaiians go on vacation?

If we don't say "amen," does God just keep on listening?

What are we supposed to do when they issue air quality warnings? Hold our breath?

How come so many good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people?

Why don't we ever drop flowers on other countries to let them know that we love them?

Why do we call it a walk when the batter jogs to first base and becomes a runner?

When your palm itches, it means that you're about to make money. What does it mean when your butt itches?

Is it really low-fat, or does the serving just fit in the palm of your hand?

Wouldn't it be easier to take, say, cabbage from a baby?

Why are his-and-her presents always for her?

When porn stars get married, do guests get to attend the honeymoon?

If meteorologist study the weather, who's watching out for the meteors?

How do you blow a French kiss?

If God made Earth for man, how come there's so much water?

Will we ever find a cure for that mysterious illness that turns three-day weekends into four-day weekends?

Why are softballs so hard?

When will we develop solar energy? When Exxon owns the sun?

What's the difference between neurotic and eccentric? How much money you make?

How come so few people are familiar with the word "arcane"?

Is it time to have a telethon for Jerry Lewis?

Does wild rice have to be hunted?

We have curling in the Olympics. Why not horse shoes or tiddlywinks?

Who invented Soap-on-a-Rope? A prisoner?

Why can't the chicken just appreciate the side of the road she's on?

Holistic dentistry?! Isn't that what they had in the Middle Ages?

People talk on cell phones in the lobby. Why do they take exception when I read aloud?

How can J&D mass-market rare scotch?

Why do we call them elevators when they go up and down?

What do you call tights that are too big for you?

What if we run out of hypothetical questions?

And Saint Peter will roll his eyes, knowing what I'm up to -- delayed sentencing. Johnny Cochrane had tried the same tactic. So it goes.

"Mr. Hammer, I see that you thrice used the Bible as a coaster. In the sixth grade you called Meloni Baller a 'pencil-neck geek' before turning her cotton briefs into a G-string.

"You wrote inexcusable puns and prided yourself on the ability to belch 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"

And I will look straight ahead with elevator face.

"I'm afraid that we will be sending you back as a pencil-neck geek so that you can explore at greater depth the answers to your silly little questions."

Billy Graham said that heaven is like a "never-ending family reunion," which is funny because that's exactly the way I describe hell. I just know that if we're permitted to come back as whatever we please, I will definitely choose brassiere.

In the meantime, I promise to refrain from placing beverages on the Scripture and giving wedgies to my classmates, but there is little I can do about the hokey word plays. Even now I'm wondering if, when it stinks to high heaven, the smell goes all the way up to cloud nine or
stops at seventh heaven.

Saint Peter? Oh, Mr. Peter?...

Domestic Violence PSA

Religions of the World

Taoism- Shit Happens.

Hinduism- This Shit Happened Before.

Islam- If Shit Happens, Take a Hostage.

Buddhism- When Shit Happens, is it Really Shit?

7th Day Adventists- Shit Happens on Saturday.

Protestantism- Shit Won’t Happen if I Work Hard.

Catholicism- If Shit Happens, I Deserve it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses- Knock, Knock; Shit Happens.

Judaism-Why Does This Shit Always Happen to me?

Hare Krishna- Shit Happens, Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Atheism- No Shit.

TV Evangelism- Send More Shit.

Rastafarianism- Let’s Smoke This Shit.

you just can't please some people

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.

His God Complex