Who wants to go on a pony ride?

Nom nom...

Ammo shortage

Folks, The situation on getting ammo is getting really tight, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She happened to notice my two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

Survivor, Texas-Style!

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style!" 

The 9 contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville ...

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo .

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas ...

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that reads: 

"I'm a Democrat,"
"I'm Gay,"
"I love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012"
   And
"I'm here to confiscate your guns.." 

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. 

God Bless Texas !! 

Frequent Filer Miles and Swinging on Mars

The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen .

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough for me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to admit it to you,' says Maureen , 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Operation Floodgate

So Tight!

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one.

She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!".

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in!

"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Stupid blonde...

It's Not Just for Guys Anymore

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

Why You Should Never Question a Drunk!

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in engineering," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my *%$#! fault."

A Skunk Tale

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was still alive, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Domestic Bliss

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

DON'T FORGET YOUR ANNIVERSARY

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Nominated for joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together,

minding their own business.

She's Wrong

Tom and the Girl

One school day a boy named Tom was sitting in class and doing math. It was six more minutes until after school. As he was doing his homework something caught his eye. His desk was next to the window and he turned and looked to the grass outside. It looked like a picture. When school was over he ran to the spot where he saw it. He ran fast so that no one else could grab it.

He picked it up and smiled. It had a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had a dress with tights and red shoes on. She was holding two fingers up in a peace sign.

She was beautiful and Tom wanted to meet her so he ran all over the school and asked everyone if they knew her or had ever seen her before but everyone he asked said no. Tom was devistated. When Tom got home he asked his older sister if she knew the girl but unfortunately she also said no. It wsa late so Tom walked up the stairs, placed the picture on his desk and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night Tom was awakened by a tap on his window. It was like a nail tapping and Tom got scared. After the tapping Tom heard a gigle and he saw a shadow near his window. Tom got out of bed and walked toward his window, ipened it up and followed the giggling. By the time he reached it, it was gone.

The next day he asked his neighbors if they knew her. Everyone Tom asked said no. When Tom's mother came home he even asked her if she knew the girl. Tom's mother also said no. Tom went to his room and placed the picture back on his desk, went back to bed, and fell asleep.

Again Tom was awakened by a tapping. Tom took the picture and followed the giggling. As Tom walked across the road he was suddenly hit by a car.

The driver of the car stopped and tried to help Tom but Tom laid dead on the street with the picture of the beautiful girl still clutched in his hand.

The driver took the picture out of Tom's hand and looked at it. He saw a beautiful girl holding up three fingers.

An Arizona Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

What to say when...

And it better be a damn good one too!