One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the nursing home administrator.
“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “They're retired prostitutes; they're having a yard sale.”
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
New Study
Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......
Friday, March 27, 2009
Breaking News -- Special Health Update
 |
|
Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women
Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)
(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.
Continue reading
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:
- Open a new file in your computer.
- Name it 'Barack Obama'.
- Send it to the Recycle Bin.
- Empty the Recycle Bin.
- Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
- Firmly Click 'Yes.'
- Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dancing
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Buy why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Buy why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Uncle Bud
Mrs. Warner's thrid grade class was asked to come to school with a short story that had a moral attached to it.
Susie raised her hand and told the following story:
"My daddy is a chicken rancher and one day I set two dozen eggs in the incubator but only eighteen of them hatched."
"What's the moral of your story, Susie?" asked Mrs. Warner.
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!"
"Very good Susie, anyone else?"
Mary raised her hand and expounded thus:
"My daddy also raises chickens and one day I was collecting eggs for the farmer's market so I got the biggest basket we had and I put every egg I found in it. I loaded it into the back of the pickup truck and on the way to the market the truck hit a big bump and all the eggs fell out the back and were smashed."
"Oh that's so terrible, Mary. What would you say the moral to that story is?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Excellent Mary. Anyone else?"
Bruce raises his hand and tells the following story:
"Uncle Bud was a fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he was deep behind enemy lines when his plane was hit. He ejected and barely had time to grab his survival kit. On the way down in his parachute he opened his kit and pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one long gulp. He dug deeper and found a case of beer, he drank every can, one after the other on the way down.
When he landed, he noticed that he was surrounded by 75 vietcong. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 40 of them before he ran out of bullets, then he threw his gun to the ground, grabbed his machete and killed 20 of them before his machete broke in two. So he killed the last 15 of them with his bare hands!"
The class was stunned silent, a few of the more sensitive kids were begining to cry, Mrs. Warner looked at Bruce and asked:
"What on earth could the moral of that story possibly be?"
Bruce replied, "You don't fuck with Uncle Bud when he's been drinking."
Susie raised her hand and told the following story:
"My daddy is a chicken rancher and one day I set two dozen eggs in the incubator but only eighteen of them hatched."
"What's the moral of your story, Susie?" asked Mrs. Warner.
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!"
"Very good Susie, anyone else?"
Mary raised her hand and expounded thus:
"My daddy also raises chickens and one day I was collecting eggs for the farmer's market so I got the biggest basket we had and I put every egg I found in it. I loaded it into the back of the pickup truck and on the way to the market the truck hit a big bump and all the eggs fell out the back and were smashed."
"Oh that's so terrible, Mary. What would you say the moral to that story is?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Excellent Mary. Anyone else?"
Bruce raises his hand and tells the following story:
"Uncle Bud was a fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he was deep behind enemy lines when his plane was hit. He ejected and barely had time to grab his survival kit. On the way down in his parachute he opened his kit and pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one long gulp. He dug deeper and found a case of beer, he drank every can, one after the other on the way down.
When he landed, he noticed that he was surrounded by 75 vietcong. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 40 of them before he ran out of bullets, then he threw his gun to the ground, grabbed his machete and killed 20 of them before his machete broke in two. So he killed the last 15 of them with his bare hands!"
The class was stunned silent, a few of the more sensitive kids were begining to cry, Mrs. Warner looked at Bruce and asked:
"What on earth could the moral of that story possibly be?"
Bruce replied, "You don't fuck with Uncle Bud when he's been drinking."
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A Jewish Christmas
The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. "
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. "
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Monday, March 23, 2009
More Jesse
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse was getting louder and frightening customers away. So, he called the store manager who said: "What's the problem here Reverend?"
Jesse continued to bemoan that all the washing machines were white.
The manager remarked, "Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines are white, if you open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black."
Jesse continued to bemoan that all the washing machines were white.
The manager remarked, "Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines are white, if you open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Baby Makers
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Myrtle
Joe Sixpack is nursing a brew on a barstool next to some pencil-necked French guy. Pierre, drinking a Mai Tai, periodically (and subtly) sniffs his finger and murmurs to himself "Aaah, Fifi." After he does this a few times, Joe asks Pierre's what's up with the finger-thing?
"Oh, mon ami, I am sorry to disturb you, but I was just with my girlfriend, Fifi, and her lovely scent still lingers on my finger."
Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle!"
"Oh, mon ami, I am sorry to disturb you, but I was just with my girlfriend, Fifi, and her lovely scent still lingers on my finger."
Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle!"
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Parenting
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Rules for a Gunfight
- Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
- Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive
- Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
- If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
- Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
- If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
- In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
- If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"
- Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
- Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
- Stretch the rules. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
- Have a plan.
- Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."
- Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
- Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
- Don't drop your guard.
- Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.
- Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
- Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
- The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
- Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
- Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
- Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
- Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
- Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
- Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
- Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
- The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
RETIRED - WITH A GREAT JOB
I've often been asked, 'What do you
retired folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends
who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, bourbon and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Scam Alert!
Scam Alert! Warning! Please Read Immediately! This IS Serious!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:
IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ"
Rejected Refunds Division
Office 1600, Room 412,
Cubicle 13,
Desk 7,
Filing Cabinet 6,
Drawer 3,
Space 62,
Folder 5
Washington, DC 20000-0000
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:
IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ"
Rejected Refunds Division
Office 1600, Room 412,
Cubicle 13,
Desk 7,
Filing Cabinet 6,
Drawer 3,
Space 62,
Folder 5
Washington, DC 20000-0000
Monday, March 2, 2009
Help is on the way
The other day I was driving down the road and came across a navy blue Volvo with the hood up. As I pull alongside the car, I noticed a lady in a high class coat looking at the engine and an Obama08 sticker on the back side window. I decided to not stop and keep on going as I know in her mind help is on the way.
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