What is a good samaritan supposed to do?

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security .

It is now 4 PM . and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Breaking news!!

Barney Frank resigns from Congress to pursue dream job with TSA

Don't ask, don't tell uniform

Barney Frank introduces the new "don't ask, don't tell" uniform.

Hottest Toy of 2010

Be the first one on your block...

BRIEF, BASIC EXPLANATION OF GOVERNMENT

There are four ways in which you can spend money. You can spend your own money on yourself. When you do that, then you really watch out what you’re doing, and you try to get the most for your money. Then you can spend your own money on somebody else. For example, you buy a birthday present for someone. Then you’re not so careful about the content of the present, but you’re very careful about the cost. Then, you can spend somebody else’s money on yourself. And if you spend somebody else’s money on yourself, you’re sure going to have a good lunch! Finally, you can spend somebody else’s money on somebody else. And if you spend somebody else’s money on somebody else, you’re not concerned about how much it is, and you’re not concerned about what you get. “”And THAT is GOVERNMENT””

Patriot Parade

Kay and her Mum.

QUICK HISTORICAL FACT

Interesting piece of history relating to the condom:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Let's Be More Tolerant

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

Arizona County Sheriffs Entrance Exam

A man in Arizona looking to join the Maricopa County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least -- If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

It isn't Funny Anymore.

The Real Father

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks.

“It's worth a try.” he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you're not going to believe this.”

“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”

“You gave birth to a child!”

“But that's impossible!” says the priest.

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it's a miracle! Here's your baby.”

About fifteen years go by and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you're not my father?”

The priest replies, “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father!!!”

LITTLE FIRE-FIGHTER

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Be Careful What You Ask For

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

The Horth Withperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a Friend over to look at a horse.

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase That; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

How to Spot a Gay Terrorist

Be on the lookout for......... OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN

Why You Should Never Question a Drunk!

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

You Never Hear This in The Press

About the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years prior:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage "

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by: Gore: 127 million; Bush: 143 million;

Square miles of land won by: Gore: 580,000; Bush: 2,427,000

States won by: Gore: 19; Bush: 29

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore: 13.2; Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

The Magic School Bus Lady shops at Walmart

George Bush Sings Obamaville

REMEMBER THE COUPLE WHO SNUCK INTO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH NO CREDENTIALS ?

IN CASE YOU DON’T REMEMBER……..
HERE THEY ARE…

JESUS IS WATCHING

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.





'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'




Jesus

Bubba

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big Arkansas redneck replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'.

Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in engineering," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my *%$#! fault."

A Skunk Tale

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was still alive, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Subject:YOU CAN'T FIX sTUPID

These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are...

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stock broker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protectionfromthe wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when itcollapsed,burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used theirhands andshovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescueworkersusing heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounceddead ata hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24,was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who saidhe would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.No oneelse was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middleof traffic.The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the mid point of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cablelay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy waterand was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fedhis constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than abushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued toevacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens.?

Phoenix (Or any other US City)

A Somali arrives in Phoenix as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I! am from Russia !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

A Modern Parable

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

The End.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Domestic Bliss

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Little Johnny

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, All the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, What would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Football Truths I Didn't Know

FOOTBALL TRUTHS ...


Q: What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.


Q: What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.


Q: How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.


Q: How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.


Q: Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.


Q: What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Fla ) football player's life?
A: His freshman year.


Q: How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.


Q: Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
A: Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.


Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Racism Test

This is a Racism Test ...

Do you like him any better now?


No?


Then you are not a racist.

California

Back in 1850

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this Fall...
Back in 1850?

• California became a state.
• The people had no electricity.
• The state had no money.
• Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
• There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

Medical Miracles

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work"

The German doctor comments: "That?s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work"

A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President and now....the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

PrezBO

DON'T FORGET YOUR ANNIVERSARY

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Look Who's Been Sober For A Whole Year!

Congratulations Senator Kennedy!

I never knew. Enjoy.......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

THE EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that
they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours
off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time
you're in need of quicker emergency service.


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

Nominated for joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together,

minding their own business.

A Soldiers Story

As a squad of US soldiers were patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled US soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!'" "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!'" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

She's Wrong

New Product

Woman Please...

Public Bar

Cats

Liberals...

Jesus

Go Arizona!

Vote Democrat

A recent survey asked thousands of voters what influences their vote. Here are the most common answers offered by Democrat voters:

• I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
• I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
• I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.
• I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday, CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
• I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
• I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.
• I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.
• I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, when they come over here I don't want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.
• I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.
• I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

Makes you wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

Funny No Matter Your Stance

Rules of the Game

Rule #13: Strengthen that KFC association by ensuring that your shop's name includes the name of a southern US state.

So this Democrat walks into a bar...

… with his dog under his arm.

The Deomcrat says to the bartender, "give me a beer. Anything but Coors Light."

Bartender says, "why not Coors Light?"

The Democrat says "I drank a case of Coors Light last night and blew Chunks"

Bartender says, "dude, you drink a case of anything and your going to get sick".

The Democrat says, "you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog".

An Adult Pencil Sharpener

Obama's Message to the Gays

Why Beer is Better Than Retarded People

• Beer doesn't drool.
• Beer stains wash out easier than drool.
• Beer will wait patiently in the car while you play (football, etc.)
• Beer is never late.
• You don't have to limit yourself to bi syllabic words in discourse with beer.
• Beer doesn't cry if you forget it.
• Beer doesn't vote.
• Beer never answers your phone.
• Beer doesn't work your crossword puzzles in ink.
• Beer doesn't demand to watch cartoons.
• Beer won't ask loud, embarrassing questions in public.
• If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off.
• If the head's too small on your beer you can get another.
• Beer doesn't have to be sterilized.

Illegal vs. Undocumented

R.I.P.

In a small Midwestern town, two gays died of AIDS. The mortician was afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he refused to prepare the bodies for burial. So, finally, in desperation, the hospital called on the local taxidermist. He said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em." So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists shop. When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance driver "Do you want them mounted?" to which the driver replies "Nah, just holding hands......."

The 2011 GENERAL MOTORS Car

2011 GM Car

The New GM (Government Motors)
Proudly Introduces

The 2011 Obummer

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!

Pick One

I Found It!

And you thought there was no such place, huh????

HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years!"

Apparently I'm still lost....

Mexican Maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

Maria: The first reason is that I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: You husband said so.

Wife: Oh!

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: You husband did.

Wife: Oh!

Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Senora... the gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

The Pope And Nancy Pelosi

The Pope and Speaker Nancy Pelosi are on a huge stage at Candlestick Park in front of a massive crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Speaker Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With only one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

Lifted from The Political Jungle

Ghost Hick

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

Regular Sex

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

We met at Walmart

CRAP-TEL RECORDS

Importance of Bats

Importance of Bats

The newsletter from, "The Texas Gardener Seeds" said:
Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy animals.


Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly,
and bats are less likely to be rabid than dogs are.


Need another reason?

Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent of the seed dispersal
essential to the regeneration of forests.

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre
and astonishing creatures.

Here are three from the Bat Family
..... without the need for resorting to fiction.

Sucker-footed Bat

Red-Winged Fruit Bat

Left-Winged Ding Bat

Tom and the Girl

One school day a boy named Tom was sitting in class and doing math. It was six more minutes until after school. As he was doing his homework something caught his eye. His desk was next to the window and he turned and looked to the grass outside. It looked like a picture. When school was over he ran to the spot where he saw it. He ran fast so that no one else could grab it.

He picked it up and smiled. It had a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had a dress with tights and red shoes on. She was holding two fingers up in a peace sign.

She was beautiful and Tom wanted to meet her so he ran all over the school and asked everyone if they knew her or had ever seen her before but everyone he asked said no. Tom was devistated. When Tom got home he asked his older sister if she knew the girl but unfortunately she also said no. It wsa late so Tom walked up the stairs, placed the picture on his desk and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night Tom was awakened by a tap on his window. It was like a nail tapping and Tom got scared. After the tapping Tom heard a gigle and he saw a shadow near his window. Tom got out of bed and walked toward his window, ipened it up and followed the giggling. By the time he reached it, it was gone.

The next day he asked his neighbors if they knew her. Everyone Tom asked said no. When Tom's mother came home he even asked her if she knew the girl. Tom's mother also said no. Tom went to his room and placed the picture back on his desk, went back to bed, and fell asleep.

Again Tom was awakened by a tapping. Tom took the picture and followed the giggling. As Tom walked across the road he was suddenly hit by a car.

The driver of the car stopped and tried to help Tom but Tom laid dead on the street with the picture of the beautiful girl still clutched in his hand.

The driver took the picture out of Tom's hand and looked at it. He saw a beautiful girl holding up three fingers.

Did You Ever Get So Angry...

More Balls

An Arizona Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Childhood

War Explained

Cheesecake

WTF!?

What to say when...

And it better be a damn good one too!