Obama's Message to the Gays

Why Beer is Better Than Retarded People

• Beer doesn't drool.
• Beer stains wash out easier than drool.
• Beer will wait patiently in the car while you play (football, etc.)
• Beer is never late.
• You don't have to limit yourself to bi syllabic words in discourse with beer.
• Beer doesn't cry if you forget it.
• Beer doesn't vote.
• Beer never answers your phone.
• Beer doesn't work your crossword puzzles in ink.
• Beer doesn't demand to watch cartoons.
• Beer won't ask loud, embarrassing questions in public.
• If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off.
• If the head's too small on your beer you can get another.
• Beer doesn't have to be sterilized.

Illegal vs. Undocumented

R.I.P.

In a small Midwestern town, two gays died of AIDS. The mortician was afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he refused to prepare the bodies for burial. So, finally, in desperation, the hospital called on the local taxidermist. He said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em." So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists shop. When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance driver "Do you want them mounted?" to which the driver replies "Nah, just holding hands......."

The 2011 GENERAL MOTORS Car

2011 GM Car

The New GM (Government Motors)
Proudly Introduces

The 2011 Obummer

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!

Pick One

I Found It!

And you thought there was no such place, huh????

HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years!"

Apparently I'm still lost....

Mexican Maid

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

Maria: The first reason is that I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: You husband said so.

Wife: Oh!

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: You husband did.

Wife: Oh!

Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Senora... the gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

The Pope And Nancy Pelosi

The Pope and Speaker Nancy Pelosi are on a huge stage at Candlestick Park in front of a massive crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Speaker Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With only one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

Lifted from The Political Jungle

Ghost Hick

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

Regular Sex

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.

A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

We met at Walmart

CRAP-TEL RECORDS

Importance of Bats

Importance of Bats

The newsletter from, "The Texas Gardener Seeds" said:
Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy animals.


Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly,
and bats are less likely to be rabid than dogs are.


Need another reason?

Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent of the seed dispersal
essential to the regeneration of forests.

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre
and astonishing creatures.

Here are three from the Bat Family
..... without the need for resorting to fiction.

Sucker-footed Bat

Red-Winged Fruit Bat

Left-Winged Ding Bat

Tom and the Girl

One school day a boy named Tom was sitting in class and doing math. It was six more minutes until after school. As he was doing his homework something caught his eye. His desk was next to the window and he turned and looked to the grass outside. It looked like a picture. When school was over he ran to the spot where he saw it. He ran fast so that no one else could grab it.

He picked it up and smiled. It had a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had a dress with tights and red shoes on. She was holding two fingers up in a peace sign.

She was beautiful and Tom wanted to meet her so he ran all over the school and asked everyone if they knew her or had ever seen her before but everyone he asked said no. Tom was devistated. When Tom got home he asked his older sister if she knew the girl but unfortunately she also said no. It wsa late so Tom walked up the stairs, placed the picture on his desk and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night Tom was awakened by a tap on his window. It was like a nail tapping and Tom got scared. After the tapping Tom heard a gigle and he saw a shadow near his window. Tom got out of bed and walked toward his window, ipened it up and followed the giggling. By the time he reached it, it was gone.

The next day he asked his neighbors if they knew her. Everyone Tom asked said no. When Tom's mother came home he even asked her if she knew the girl. Tom's mother also said no. Tom went to his room and placed the picture back on his desk, went back to bed, and fell asleep.

Again Tom was awakened by a tapping. Tom took the picture and followed the giggling. As Tom walked across the road he was suddenly hit by a car.

The driver of the car stopped and tried to help Tom but Tom laid dead on the street with the picture of the beautiful girl still clutched in his hand.

The driver took the picture out of Tom's hand and looked at it. He saw a beautiful girl holding up three fingers.

Did You Ever Get So Angry...

More Balls

An Arizona Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Childhood

War Explained

Cheesecake