Old Guy

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym

when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby,

"What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said.

"You should use the ATM in the lobby".......

Well That's Pretty Clear

Fishing with Grandpa

Timmy and his grandfather went fishing one day.

About a half an hour in, Grandpa takes out a beer and starts to drink it. "Hey Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?", Timmy asks. Grandpa says,"Well let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Timmy is appalled. "No! I'm only 10 yrs old!" he says. Grandpa says, "Well until you can, no beer."

About half an hour later, Grandpa lights a cigar. Same question by Timmy, and the same answer from Grandpa.

After another half hour has passed Timmy gets out a bag of Oreos and stars to eat them. Grandpa says,"Hey Timmy, may I have one of those cookies?" Timmy says,"Let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Grandpa gets a proud look on his face and says,"Yes I can!"

Timmy says "Good. Go fuck yourself, these are MY oreos!"

How To Be Cruel To Old Guys

AARP Eye Chart

The Physical Exam

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Retired

Old People do Funny Things..

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

A Florida Senior Moment

90 vs. 103 Years Old

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf.

My eyesight has got so bad ..once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?", says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

It's Good to be Illegal!

5 million of our older Americans did not sign up for their Medicare, Part D, drug plan------they are old and confused. They were NOT granted an extension.

However, 12 million illegal aliens are in our country and we are going to allow them to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, have our teachers take 300 hours of ESL (English as a Second Language) training at our expense, etc.

WE MUST REALLY DISLIKE OUR OWN PEOPLE...... OR WE MUST REALLY LOVE TACOS!!!

Don't forget to pay your taxes...... 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the nursing home administrator.

“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “They're retired prostitutes; they're having a yard sale.”

RETIRED - WITH A GREAT JOB

I've often been asked, 'What do you
retired folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends
who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, bourbon and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him .
'I don't know,' he said.. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down , so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mo use.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

I'm eleven!

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

WHEN I'M 100....IF I LEAN A LITTLE....LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

'They won't let me fart.'

Old People

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."