LITTLE FIRE-FIGHTER

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Childhood

Fishing with Grandpa

Timmy and his grandfather went fishing one day.

About a half an hour in, Grandpa takes out a beer and starts to drink it. "Hey Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?", Timmy asks. Grandpa says,"Well let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Timmy is appalled. "No! I'm only 10 yrs old!" he says. Grandpa says, "Well until you can, no beer."

About half an hour later, Grandpa lights a cigar. Same question by Timmy, and the same answer from Grandpa.

After another half hour has passed Timmy gets out a bag of Oreos and stars to eat them. Grandpa says,"Hey Timmy, may I have one of those cookies?" Timmy says,"Let me ask you a question. Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Grandpa gets a proud look on his face and says,"Yes I can!"

Timmy says "Good. Go fuck yourself, these are MY oreos!"

6 Rejected Kids Books

Number 1: "MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS" – Dr. Seuss

A childrens classic with a subtle message about the importance of getting things right the first time, and the ramifications of getting things wrong!




Number 2: "WHY IS MOMMY MOANING?" - Berenstein Bears

When it's time to learn about the birds and the bees, it's time to break out the good ol' Berenstein Bears.




Number 3: "HORTON HIRES A HO" - Dr Seuss

Consider it your childs first introduction to economics and commerce.




Number 4: "MY FIRST RAVE"

More fun than an all nighter with the Wiggles and Hi-5 combined!




Number 5: "LET’S SHIT IN THE WOODS" - Golden Book

A classic that dares answer the age old questions, 'does a bear shit in the woods?'




Number 6: "LEARN TO PIMP" - Berenstein Bears

This should definitely be read in conjunction with number 3 to ensure your child has a healthy understanding of the way the business world works.

Michael Jackson Tribute Page

Question: What's the difference between Farrah Fawcet and Micheal Jackson?
Answer: About 3 hours and 15 minutes.

Farrah Fawcett got to heaven and God asked "What is your last wish for the people of Earth?"
Farrah said "I want to save the children." and Michael Jackson died.

Michael Jackson went to heaven and he was black again so he asked God to make him white again...... HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXYCLEAN!!!!

Putting It All Together; God decided Farrah Fawcett has suffered enough and called her home. God asked her what she wanted, She said for all the children on earth to be safe. Then Micheal Jackson appeared. God asked Michael what he wanted. Michael said can you make me whiter than I already am? Then Billy Mays showed up with a container of Oxy Clean. God asked Billy what he wanted. Billy said he wanted to know why he was even there? Then Walter Cronkite apppeared and said ' That's the way it is!"

Question: How do you know when it's bedtime in the Jackson house?
Answer: When the big hand touches the little hand.

MJ's ghost has been sighted at a children's hospital, it seems he will continue to put the willies up little children

On June the 25th, there was a massive panic amongst the world. Micheal Joseph Jackson was dead. When actually he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.

They served caviar at MJ's funeral in memory of him beause it too comes on little white crackers.

What was Michael Jackson's favorite ride? The little zipper.

Question: What is Michael Jackson doing in heaven?
Answer: Baby sitting for John Travolta!

Question: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the greyhounds?
Answer: The greyhounds wait for the hare to come out.

When Farrah Faucet died her guardian angel came to her and told her, "I will give you one final wish before you pass on." Farrah Faucet wished that all the children on the earth would be safe. A short time later Michael Jackson died.

Question: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Answer: Acne doesn't come on your face until your 13!

Question: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney movies?
Answer: Disney movies can still touch children.

Question: What does Michael Jackson have in common with Santa Claus?
Answer: They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

Micheal Jackson died of a broken heart when he found out BOYS TO MEN was a band and not a delivery service.

****NEWS FLASH*** Garry Glitter makes record bid for Michael Jacksons computer!!

Michael Jackson lived the American dream. He was born a poor black boy and grew up to die as a rich white woman.

How to fail a School test with Dignity

Example 1)


Example 2)


Example 3)


Example 4)


Example 5)


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Example 7)

Parenting

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.

"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

Spelling

Yet, another reason schools focus on spelling….PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT SPELLING IS IMPORTANT!

Porky

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

"Because he fucks pigs!"

Making Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Girl Getting Driver's Liscense

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

A Walk in the Woods

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods.

The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

I'm eleven!

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'