Just One Blue State

This is only one State...............If this doesn't open your eyes nothing will !

1. 40% of all workers in L. A. County ( L.A. County has 10.2 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants working without a green card.
2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.
3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.
4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal , whose births were paid for by taxpayers.
5. Nearly 35% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally
6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.
7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.
8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.
9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.
10. In L.A. County 5.1 million people speak English, 3.9 million speak Spanish. (There are 10.2 million people in L.A County.)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare. Over 70% of the United States' annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration. 29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens..

TAX REMINDER

Have you paid your taxes....?!?!
18 million illegal aliens are depending on you.

Divorce

The leftist wealth redistribution drones will never let this happen, but “OH” what a wonderful thing it would be.... DIVORCE AGREEMENT Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them). We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood . You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Update...

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

The End of Humanity!

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior..
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!


Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Bingo!

Dumb as a Box of Rocks

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

The Brotherhood

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked..

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it"

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

Here it is," she said..

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go... I didn't realize you were a cop."

TOTUS

A priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Why Black People Should Avoid Time Machines

Man that’s a shitty way for anybody to go. For both the black guy and the dog, that’s practically a Final Destination-type ending to your life. You could only imagine that dog was like, “Whew, I’ve escaped death. Hope a Negro doesn’t fall on me (*note: he’s a 1910 dog so please excuse his racism)” and then POW! Falling Negro. Life sure is funny, eh pooch?

We’ve come along way though if you think about it. Just 100 years ago, black guys were the second item in a headline about a tragedy behind a FUCKING COW and now black people are an important part of our society, even being the leader of the free world. So I guess what I’m saying is quit your bitching.

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the nursing home administrator.

“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “They're retired prostitutes; they're having a yard sale.”

New Study

Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......

Breaking News -- Special Health Update

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

Continue reading

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

Dancing

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)

Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."

"Buy why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

Uncle Bud

Mrs. Warner's thrid grade class was asked to come to school with a short story that had a moral attached to it.

Susie raised her hand and told the following story:
"My daddy is a chicken rancher and one day I set two dozen eggs in the incubator but only eighteen of them hatched."

"What's the moral of your story, Susie?" asked Mrs. Warner.
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!"
"Very good Susie, anyone else?"

Mary raised her hand and expounded thus:
"My daddy also raises chickens and one day I was collecting eggs for the farmer's market so I got the biggest basket we had and I put every egg I found in it. I loaded it into the back of the pickup truck and on the way to the market the truck hit a big bump and all the eggs fell out the back and were smashed."

"Oh that's so terrible, Mary. What would you say the moral to that story is?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Excellent Mary. Anyone else?"

Bruce raises his hand and tells the following story:
"Uncle Bud was a fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he was deep behind enemy lines when his plane was hit. He ejected and barely had time to grab his survival kit. On the way down in his parachute he opened his kit and pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one long gulp. He dug deeper and found a case of beer, he drank every can, one after the other on the way down.

When he landed, he noticed that he was surrounded by 75 vietcong. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 40 of them before he ran out of bullets, then he threw his gun to the ground, grabbed his machete and killed 20 of them before his machete broke in two. So he killed the last 15 of them with his bare hands!"

The class was stunned silent, a few of the more sensitive kids were begining to cry, Mrs. Warner looked at Bruce and asked:
"What on earth could the moral of that story possibly be?"

Bruce replied, "You don't fuck with Uncle Bud when he's been drinking."

A Jewish Christmas

The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. "

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

More Jesse

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse was getting louder and frightening customers away. So, he called the store manager who said: "What's the problem here Reverend?"

Jesse continued to bemoan that all the washing machines were white.

The manager remarked, "Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines are white, if you open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black."

Just like OJ

Caution

Baby Makers

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

Myrtle

Joe Sixpack is nursing a brew on a barstool next to some pencil-necked French guy. Pierre, drinking a Mai Tai, periodically (and subtly) sniffs his finger and murmurs to himself "Aaah, Fifi." After he does this a few times, Joe asks Pierre's what's up with the finger-thing?

"Oh, mon ami, I am sorry to disturb you, but I was just with my girlfriend, Fifi, and her lovely scent still lingers on my finger."

Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle!"

Convention Fun

Parenting

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.

"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

What Problem?

Bumper Stickers

Rules for a Gunfight

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Stretch the rules. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."

Mondays...

New Denny's Menu Item

The Octomom Grand Slam
14 eggs, no sausage, and everyone else pays the bill

RETIRED - WITH A GREAT JOB

I've often been asked, 'What do you
retired folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends
who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, bourbon and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!

Travel Alert

Remember this when flying……

Scam Alert!

Scam Alert! Warning! Please Read Immediately! This IS Serious!!!

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:

IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ"
Rejected Refunds Division
Office 1600, Room 412,
Cubicle 13,
Desk 7,
Filing Cabinet 6,
Drawer 3,
Space 62,
Folder 5
Washington, DC 20000-0000

Help is on the way

The other day I was driving down the road and came across a navy blue Volvo with the hood up. As I pull alongside the car, I noticed a lady in a high class coat looking at the engine and an Obama08 sticker on the back side window. I decided to not stop and keep on going as I know in her mind help is on the way.

Nomenclature Update

The term "African Engineering" is now passe. From now on, the same type of crisis handling shall be termed the "Presidential Solution"

The Pope & the Hunters

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to knowledge and wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

Hinckley to be released-McCain writes letter

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. Just thought you should know.

Politically Correct

Mini Me

Watch out wingbats, I'll have Michelle shrink your head too!

What could be worse than a name like Mike Hunt?

Yep, that's worse!!

"Titanic" or "My Life"

Students at a Pocono school were assigned to read 1 of 2 books, either 'Titanic' or 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, he said that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Here's his comparison:

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....! . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.... Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :.... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing

Global Warming

Angry Protesters.....

To the Troops

Happy Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

The Wall...

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam, were out walking together one day. They came across a lantern, and a Genie popped out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish -- that's three wishes total," said the Genie.

The Canadian responded with, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so high that no infidels, Jews, or Americans, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asked, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam then made his wish: "Fill it with water."

Unmarried Daughter

Thursday, a mother was walking by her daughter's bedroom and heard a buzzing noise. Upon opening the door she saw her daughter using a vibrator. Mom was aghast, and said "What are you doing?". The daughter replied, "Mom I'm thirty five years old and will probably never get married so please just shut the door."

Friday her father heard a buzzing noise in the daughter's bedroom, and upon opening the door saw her using the vibrator. He was rather stunned, but the daughter said "Dad, I'm thirty five years old, sensual, and will probably never get married, so please close the door."

On Saturday afternoon the mother walked into the living room and saw the vibrator humming on top of the coffee table while her husband was watching TV. She said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He said, "Watching the ballgame with my son-in-law".

The 8's

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Spelling

Yet, another reason schools focus on spelling….PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT SPELLING IS IMPORTANT!

"Crazy Ethnic People"

Jordanian women agree to being beaten: A survey conducted for unnamed United Nations agencies and including nearly 15,000 Jordanian families and 11,000 married women, aged mostly between 15 to 49 years old, found that around 20 percent of the women approve being beaten by their husbands to be disciplined. (November 26 2008)

Voodoo

This guy wants to buy a gift to keep his horny girlfriend busy while he's gone. He goes to a nearby adult store to get her something. He discovered a strange box so he asked the manager what is was. He said, "It's a voodoo dick, tell it something, and watch what happens."

He then said, "Voodoo dick, door!" The voodoo dick thrust itself through the door in and out. The guy says, "I'll buy it!". The dude goes home and gives it to his girlfriend. Excited, she said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." The voodoo d*ck began to thrust, and she was pleased. The guy then left for his three week business trip. Later, his girlfriend, wanted to take the voodoo dick out, but she didn't know how, so she found where the store was, and she got in her car. Almost there, she gets pulled over by a cop who caught her speeding. He says to the woman, "Ma'am, why are you speeding?" She replied, "I have a voodoo dick pumping inside me and I don't know how to get it out." The cop said, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Yep!

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him .
'I don't know,' he said.. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down , so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mo use.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Charity

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

Cheers!

To Kill an American

'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet Army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan . Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America .

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Giraffe caught in meth lab bust